The Sex Spreadsheet

Happier Couples

The Sex Spreadsheet

30:46

 

This week, Jess & Brandon are sharing tips and tools from some of the happy couples they've met over the past month. Tune in to find out about sex spreadsheets & boobs-around-the-world.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

The Sex Spreadsheet

Participant #1:
You're listening to the Sex withDoctor Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I'm your cohost Brandon Weir, here with my love of the other half, Dr. Jess. Who's got the giggles? I don't know why. Halloween's coming up, and I can only think of the French song say Halloween. Hey, say lauene. Who knows next line? No one does. Ever. I think about one in five of you are Canadians. Maybe you didn't go to French Immersion, but we all sang that song. Yeah, but I'm serious. I do not know any other lines from that song. No, there were no other lines. No one listening knows what we're talking about. They might. They might have watched a French Canadian show called WADA Tao. Oh, my gosh. Seriously, man, we are going down rabbit hole. Okay, we need to get back on track because we just started here. So I've been doing a bunch couples retreats. Been back to work, feeling good, pretty excited, feeling super motivated. I'm always surprised at how much I want to do when I'm doing more. Like, the less I do, the less I want to do. And the more I do, the more I'm like, yeah, I can do it all. So I've been flying around, working with some amazing groups.

My back is hurting, though, because I think I've been flying for 16 hours over the last weekend with no WiFi, by the way. That's an experience to fly with no WiFi. Well, for somebody like you who enjoys being engaged and being able to send out messages, yeah, I like to work. I can't watch a movie on a plane or watch a television show. It doesn't work for me. I can do that. Yeah, I know. I hear you laughing from behind me. I'm that guy on the plane. I like that, though. That always kind of boosts my spirits when someone's having a really good time with a movie next to me. But I'm not a movie person, so I was just working and not sending out emails. You know, when you write, like, you respond to, like, 50 emails and they all go out at once, people wonder why you're emailing them at midnight when you land anyhow back now. And every time I finish a retreat, I have notes on not only what I can do differently, but also what I took away from the participants. And so one of the things that I took away this time around was really, really cool and tangible. I can touch it because it's a handout. And at the end of the session, one of the participants came up to me and said that he has a list that he used with his partner about, I think, a year or so after they met. And it's sort of like a yes, no, maybe list. And it's interesting because he hadn't heard of those. And most of you have probably heard like yes, no Maybe lists for King, for BDSM, where there's a whole bunch of things you can do and then you kind of fill out yes, no, Maybe, and you can find a bunch online. But he made this totally from scratch for their personal use and he told me that I could share it, but of course delete all of their data out of it because he gave me the completed form and it's three different tabs because it's two people. So there's a README first tab, then there's a tab that he filled out, and then there's a tab that his partner filled out and they're identical in their blank form. But then once you fill it out, of course they look different. And I thought this was such a cool tool because this couple, one of my recent retreats, was sitting in the front row holding hands, definitely not the youngest couple or the newest couple, and they just look super happy. And when he showed me this, I was like, okay, so this is how you communicate. This is a big part of why you're so snuggly and happy and just seems so into each other after years of being together. So I thought that I would share and share this with you and if I have time, maybe some other lessons from some of the other couples. And I shared some of them on Instagram, but I thought this tool specifically was really neat. So he starts in the first tab with some instructions and I'm going to read them to you. So he says, Hi love, please know that you are everything to me and this crazy exercise is intended to grow deeper and closer in a completely open and fulfilling life. And he goes on, he says, okay, please look at and if labeled with an initial this tab, select your choices by putting an X in the column that best reflects your current feelings and I will do the other tab. And then he goes on to say, please select the option based on what you currently think will make you most fulfilled completely openly. Try to ignore anything about making me happy. This is all about you. Know that I will always love you and I will never judge you. If I have an issue with anything, I promise to discuss with you openly.

You obviously have the right to change your mind. We both will evolve and can adapt and respond together. And he says, I'll fill out my tab and then we compare. And they're color coded. So he has some legends here. So two greens means go for it. One red means don't do it. Any other combination means careful exploration, conversation, and maybe give it a try. And he's left a column which is for comments. He says if a comment pops into your mind, please type it in. And he gives an example. Okay, I only want anal sex when I'm super turned on and I ask you for it and have tons of really good loop. As an example, it may be a bit confusing if the question is about you or me or us or giving or receiving, because there's this complex matrix. So if you have questions, you know the helpline number. I love you, and I thought, what a nice way to open up this exercise? I love everything about this so far. I think it's a great way to start conversations. I think it's a great way to explore new ideas. It's a great way to understand what your partner is thinking, what they're concerned about. This is great. It's a more comprehensive Fire and Ice list. It sounds like sort of to rewind the Fire and Ice list is to help you figure out what gets you in the mood as opposed to what you like. Just the idea of but what do you like? You know what I mean? At least going along those lines where it's, you know, and I don't know what the other tabs are, what the questions are exactly yet. But it's just, tell me what you like. Tell me what you don't like. Right. Or the sliding scale. So it might be like intrigue. It's not a complete ice, but I'm a little cool to it. I need to do a bit more research, but I'm open to it. Yeah. And as we move into the next tab, which I'll describe in a moment, there are six different categorizations. So ranging from red, no way. Orange, maybe later. Yellow, try and see green light. Green is a light. Slightly darker green is I love it. It turns me on. And then the darkest green is, I love it. It might make me come. So we've got this kind of six scale way to respond. And then the most important column to me is the 7th column, which is your comments to add nuance, to add context, to add any questions. And I have to say that we've used yes, no, maybe list in the past. I've posted yes, no, maybe list. I think we've even talked about them on the podcast. But what I really love about this is the whole preface that I just read you, that it's not just like, hey, babe, I want to do this. Yes, no, maybe. Let's find out what we're into. Like, he really talks about. Here's why I want to do this. I care so much about you. Let me reassure you that this is without judgment. Please focus on yourself and don't worry about pleasing me. Let's leave space for conversation. And the fact that he took the time to do this for his partner and for himself. I just think it's so cool. Yeah. Question did he fill it out and send it to his partner so that their answers were in the spreadsheet first? No, because the way he describes the tabs is such that this is your tab. This is my tab. I will fill mine out, you will fill yours out, and then we'll come back together.

OK. Yeah. Because I think, for example, if I read your answers first, I'd have difficulty not wanting to either please you or be influenced by you. This is great. Yeah. So good. So I was super impressed by the whole set up. And I think it's really helpful language. Right. The please know that you're everything to me. And this exercise is for this intent purpose, as opposed to just for me to get more of what I want. No judgment. Yeah. So cool. And so we move on to the tabs that you fill out. And there's a huge there's just like a whole slew of different activities. There are I'm trying to see there's no numbers. There's over a hundred. Okay. 100 different things. And then there's, as I said, the six shades of am I into it. Red, orange, yellow, light green, medium green, dark green. Comments. And he's categorized them. So there's a whole section on kissing from do you like soft, sensual kissing or hard, passionate kissing? Or gentle french kissing. Or harder French kissing? Gentle biting of lip. Moderate biting of lip. Me kissing your neck. Me kissing your arms. Me kissing your legs. So he's been really, really specific about because I could say inner thigh kissing, but OK, maybe I'd like to kiss your inner thighs, but I don't like my inner thighs kiss. So we've got super specific info here. So kissing, thighs, stomach, ass, feet, toes, fingers. So that's the whole kissing section. I feel like this is something that you could also refer back to. It's not like you're going to read it once and be like, I'm going to remember everything. But I feel like this person has been very thoughtful and very intentional with what they want to do. So it's like if you have this, it's a whole repertoire of things that you could do to your partner or explore to keep things interesting. Yeah, and it's interesting because they have not looked at it in years, because they filled it out so long ago. And when they did the session with me, they pulled it back out, not to share it with the whole group, but just to see it with one another. Yes. This is great. I like it. That's the kissing section. Kissing. What are the other sections? Then it moves on to breastplay. So caressing the sides, the nipples between sucking nipples. Biting gently. Biting moderately. Nipple clamps. Now, this is not exhaustive, right? This is just like a start. Then there's pussy play. So licking lips. Gently. Sucking gently. Sucking hard. Licking clit. Sucking gently on clit. Sucking hard on clit. I don't know what this one is. Spanking the clit area. Tongue fucking riding my face. Gentle fingering with a curve. Gentle fingering in and out hard fingering with a curve. Hard fingering in and out hard fingering. Up and down. And it's interesting. I can see that there are questions here and a lot of comments on, you know, this is what does it for me. This is what makes me squirt. Vibrator on the clit area, dildo sex play, other sex toys, please specify smiley face. Then there's receiving, anal play. So gentle finger and butt, hard finger and butt, licking the butt hole, tongue screwing the butt, dildo in the butt, butt plug, anal, beaks, anal sex. And in the notes, I notice that they're just really open with each other. There's pieces around, oh, we never tried this, but I'd be open to talking about it. Or this makes me a little bit nervous. Let's sit down and chat. So I think that's really cool. That vulnerability in the comments section helps, too, right? I'm willing to try this, but I'd like to talk about it first, as opposed to maybe somebody talking about it while you're having sex. Or maybe you feel more pressure, maybe you feel not comfortable. So again, I'm loving this. Continue, please. Then there's a bunch of sex positions. Missionary, doggy standing, doggy legs up on back, standing with you on my back, cowgirl sex, sidebyside sex with you face down, me on top, 69 others. Then there's like, slow, sensual lovemaking, fast, hard screwing. There's a whole BDSM section on spanking the butt, light flogging or whipping, moderate or hard spanking the inner thighs, bondage in different positions, spread eagle down, spread eagle up, hands behind back, arms tied to legs, light slapping face by the hand, slapping the face by the penis, pulling the hair, blindfold, nipple clamps collaring gagging, light biting of earlobes, moderate biting of earlobes. There's dirty talk on me, commenting on what I like. Me asking you to do something, me commanding you to do something, calling you a nasty girl, slut, whore, complimenting you on a body part. And then sorry. Go ahead.

When did they present this to their partner? Did they say how far into the relationship? I feel like he said it was within their first year of dating. So they were comfortable enough with each other. That right. This wasn't a first date thing. Although for some people it would be. Then there's some stuff on being a dominant, giving a dominant receiving. You being a dominant giving, you being a dominant receiving. There's a whole section on sex clubs, watching others play, being watched, playing with me, being watched fondling another person, being watched having sex with another person. An MFF threesome, an MF threesome, an MF foursome, a morselm. There's a section on voyeurism and exhibitionism, watching me masturbate, my watching you masturbate, watching porn together. US being watched, having sex without getting arrested, it says. And then there's giving penis play. So there's blowjob, deep throat sucking balls, squeezing balls, coming in, mouth, command, face, command body. And then there's giving anal play because I guess the last section was on receiving. So again, gentle finger, hard finger, licking the hole, tongue screwing, using toys, strap on their partner. And then there's another section on what they want their partner to do at sex clips. There's another section on what you want to say when you're talking dirty, because obviously it can be hot to hear your partner talk dirty, but it can also be hot to talk dirty yourself. And then they flip the script for being in the giver, I guess, in the active role in BDSM. So it's banking the butt, inner size bondage, slapping the face, pulling hair, blindfold gagging. And then there's a section on fantasy play, role play, different fantasy scenarios, costume play and other I mean, I think you can really just expand on this. This is just the starting point, right? Right. There's 171 lines here, and there's a couple of headings within it. So maybe there's 145 or 150 or so acts and we're just scratching the surface. But I think the fact that he put all this effort in, to me, is such an act of care, makes you such a good lover. I think it also hits the nail on the head where I find I grew up not really thinking about a relationship or planning out a relationship for success. It was more about you find a relationship and if it is meant to be, quote, unquote, then it would just flow naturally and everything would be great the entire time. As opposed to what the reality is, which is relationships require work and they require planning and they require effort. But fun work. You know, you and I use the word work, and we've spoken about this before, that other people will say, well, a relationship shouldn't be work.

And I do think it's about how you define work, because for me, I like my work. Work, I love like I'm happiest oh, like work. Yeah, but some people don't like work. Agreed. Right. So I think it really is effort is a word that maybe more people because I use the word work and I've been kind of corrected or challenged on that. But yeah, I did, I hear that it's effort and this person put in the effort. So I just wanted to share that because I'm there to facilitate. I'm obviously there to hopefully share a little bit of data, knowledge and strategies, but I'm taking away as much as I'm putting out. And this one was a big one. And the fact that he shared it with me I thought was really cool. Yeah, kudos to them. It's great. Yeah. And now, of course, I've been on multiple retreats over the last month. We had the week long in Greece, I had one in Barcelona, I had one down in Cabo, had one here in Toronto, heading to another one in I don't know, but it's in Ontario somewhere in a couple of days. And I've been collecting some of the notes and some of the takeaways. So I wanted to share a few more. So this one is a big one. Of course, this is a huge amount of effort, but even just having your partner listen to this podcast, I think as a way of starting conversations about all of these different potential things you can be doing is a great start. But there are some other takeaways that I've pulled from other couples and I posted some of them on Instagram over the last month or so. So you may have seen some of them, but let me see. I kind of have a list here. One of the big ones that I took away from a couple in Greece was around effort, funny enough, and they basically said, like, you put all this effort into your football pool, you spend all this time, you are always tracking, improving, chatting, kind of having ups and downs around it, but always looking to improve it. I guess weekly is what she said. Yeah. Is that a weekly thing? Yeah. I mean, the football pools that I'm in, you're constantly trading, paying attention to stats, who performed well, who didn't, who's injured, who's not. And it's a lot of fun, but it's a lot of effort, right? And it can be consuming. Yes, definitely. Now, you're not going to be tracking stats in the relationship, but basically what they said is put the same effort you put into planning vacations outfits, kids schedules and football pools into your relationships. This means planning, making time, checking in, making adjustments as needing and celebrating. The celebrating is a big part, right. Do you ever celebrate with your focal pools or do you always lose? I can't well, first of all, thank you. You are correct, so I can't disagree with you. But yes, at the end of the year, you'd celebrate. It's nice to celebrate your accomplishments, so why not do the same in a relationship? And with the football pools, you kind of celebrate weekly, too, if you have a good week. I'm not saying you celebrate like, oh, I'm popping a bottle. I mean, I'm not going to trash talk the relationship. I was like, you know, you have a good week. So I appreciated that piece of advice. There was another one that comes up all the time among happy couples, and that is really about expressing gratitude. And I know I've talked about this before, but I keep hearing it echoed from other happy couples, and that is be thankful and show them profusely every single day for the little things, the big things, the practical things, the emotional things. Gratitude is amazing, but expressions of the gratitude are really what glue relationships together. And I talk about usually in the opening of many of my sessions, about the gratitude gap, the gap between feeling grateful and expressing that gratitude that can often hinder the potential of a connection and understanding. Yeah, I've been guilty of that for sure. Okay, what else? Oh, I love this one from another couple. They said, assume the best, always assume the best. And this couple have been together 40 something years, and they reminded me that rather than assuming the worst, which tends to be a tendency of perfectionists, assume that your partner meant well. Assume that they're being considerate. Assume that they're doing their best rather than looking for always having to go to them for reassurance. Sure, ask for it when you need it, but find ways to reassure yourself the rest of the time because you really believe the best of them. It's just an entire attitude, though, feeling like always looking for the positive. Not a bad attitude, not a bad approach to have. Yes, and I don't think that means glossing over things that are harmful. I don't think it means always being positive.

But if you're in a happy relationship, if you've got the foundation, you can probably trust that when they show up late or when they cancel or when they let you down, as we inevitably will, we will disappoint each other that it wasn't intended to be harmful and that they are doing their best to support you and make you happy. Okay, what else? We've got one on laughing lots and being foolish and playing pranks and being childish. There is like this message that I keep seeing, which is that if you don't play outside the bedroom, you're not going to play inside the bedroom. And that really is an interesting observation that I have with all couples and with myself, that if there's a practice or a skill or a habit that is a part of your life, it will show up in the bedroom for better or for worse. So if everything is predictable and scheduled and buy the book outside the bedroom, it is hard to break that habit inside the bedroom. If everything is about play, if you're more, not everything, okay? Of course you have life and you have to have schedules and you have to have routine. I get that. But if you leave space for playfulness, for kind of unchartered exploration, you're going to see that in the bedroom. But if there is a habit that you're really regimented about outside the bedroom, it's unlikely that you're going to experience the opposite inside the bedroom. We talk about that around Mindfulness, right? We talked about this last week, that if you go through life mindlessly, if you're never paying attention, if you're always distracted, if you're always on your device, if you're always doing four things at a time, like, I know I'm definitely guilty of those things, it is hard to be like, oh, but now I'm having sex, so now I'm going to be present. Right? Like any practice that exists has to exist kind of across the board. I have found that Mindfulness and doing small bits of meditation really does help. Like, I start my day with let's call it five or ten minutes, but it does ground me and it does allow me to feel more present at other points throughout the day, even when I don't always want to be. Like, I use the same principles and the same approach when I'm working. Like, I'll start doing deep breathing when I'm on a phone call, when I'm with a client. No, I know you're going to make weird noises. No, I'm not. Like, first of all, is that what I sound like when I meditate in the morning? I don't know. I don't listen. Yes, but thank you for that, number one. But I do apply those principles throughout the day, and I do apply them during sex as well. Yes, you're really good at that. Like, especially when we're rushing or we're under pressure. I feel like you're really good at just grounding and bringing yourself to your Bot back to your body. And it helps me. I mean, it happened the other morning. We were in a rush. I was late for my flight, but we wanted to hang out. And I was like, no, I want to try to hang out. I got to be real. Hang out with your hangout. Yeah. I was like, let's do this. Chill out with your dill out. Yeah. I mean, I didn't drop all those one liners like that because then we wouldn't be having sex. But no, you're really good at that. And even like, your breath can bring me back into the moment and help me to slow down because you're definitely better at it than me. Okay, couple of other messages from these happy couples. This one came out. I think this was also a Desire Kruse couple who talked about, I love this. Live intentionally, not habitually. Don't do things out of habit alone. Identify what matters to you and make more time and space for those things. Now, I want to just acknowledge that not everybody has all the options, not everyone has the privilege of free time. But I do think that so many of us just do things because we've always done them. Instead of stopping and saying, Why am I doing this? Why am I making space for this in my life today? Why am I prioritizing this over the weekend? Why am I worrying about this? What is living rent free in my mind right now? I'm sorry. I'm just laughing at that. What's? Living rent free? Britain doesn't get out much, so he thinks I coined this. I know, I'm hanging off every word right here. You're not on the greatest fan club. Aren't I? No, but really, I do think couples and people in general, but especially in relationships, we do things because we've always done them that way. Instead of saying, hey, you know what? Here's what I'd like to try, or here's what would feel really good for me right now, in and out of the bedroom. Really? I know a whole country that does things a certain way because that's the way they've been done for years. Many.

We're coming off an election here in the city of Toronto. I'm in a partially good mood because there were some shifts that I liked. Yeah, definitely some non shifts that I didn't like. So, all right, no politics, because I want to talk about boobs around the world. Always space for boobs around the world. I mean, everything is political, really, but I don't feel like talking about the city election right now. So basically, this couple was talking about how in their playfulness and in their prioritization of fun, they create, like, these little secrets that are just their own. And one of them has boobs around the world. It's an album on their phone where they take pictures of her flashing him on their travels and use them to kind of recall these fond and saucy memories when they're back home in their daily routine. And it's supposed to be someplace a little bit risque, like, not a place where you're going to flash people who aren't consenting, but down a quiet alleyway or, like, behind a tree in a park. So there's some sort of risk element to it. And I thought that was really cool. Yeah, you got to really be aware now of the risk element with everybody's ring cameras and all that sort of stuff. That's true. Right. Do not flash in front of my house because I got cameras everywhere. I got cameras on cameras, man. I got cameras on cameras. Okay, so boobs around the World, look out for those ring cameras, but have fun with it. It doesn't have to be boobs. It could be butts. It could be something totally different. The idea is you're doing something that's a little bit risky, and it's your own little secret. And so with all of these things. Whether it's that long involved yes. No. Maybe. And all the nuanced list. Or maybe it's boobs around the World. Or maybe it's about just being playful and practicing mindfulness. I just find that all of the feedback I get from these couples reinforces what the data is saying about happy relationships. And that is that you have to put the effort in. And you don't have to do all of these things. I don't know if boobs around the world would really appeal to you. No, not as much for me, but I love the idea of it. Because you're tired of my boobs? No, not at all. I put on some clothes. Quite the opposite. But you know what? It just wouldn't have the same appeal for me. But something else would, and we would find that something else right now. It's just the idea of it. I'm like, yeah, it's a great idea. Let's have our own thing. Right? The playfulness. And what I will say about the couples that I see who are so happy 10, 20, 30, even 40 years into their relationships, it's that they don't ever let up. They don't do these. Things once and be like, well, I did that already, or I already did that activity. They are keeping their foot on the pedal the whole way through throughout the relationship. It doesn't mean they have to do something every single day. It doesn't mean that they have to get away once a month, but they are prioritizing the relationship over the long term, and they just keep doing it. It blows my mind when I hear from people, like, yeah, we've actually been doing something like this for like, ten years, and we do it once a month. Whatever that thing may be, we kind of can't let up. And it shouldn't feel onerous. Right? It shouldn't feel like a burden. It should feel like something fun that you look forward to because you get something good out of it. Yeah. And again, I think it's just a matter of finding your thing. Okay. So I'm going to put you on the spot. What's our thing? What is our thing? I don't know. I'm going to sidebar while I think about this. My life is awesome. I think my life is ridiculous. There are so many elements of our life. I don't know that we have a thing. I can't think of one particular thing on the spot. You I think for me, it's just that every day is like, every day there's sort of something fun. Like, for me, if it's not every day, there's always something new and fun and exciting that we've never done before that we're going to try. And I don't mean sexually, I just mean in life. Yeah, no, I'm also not talking about because, like, sexual the sexual stuff is obvious for us. I have literally a pile of toys next to us that we have to try. So last week we had to try a new toy. Right. Because it was like research. Yeah, no, but those types of things are very obvious. But I feel like just in life, we're like, oh, let's find a new hike, or let's try this new food or let's go to this wine tasting. And that's what I feel is exciting for me.

Now that you're mentioning that. The one thing that I find we consistently do is whenever we're traveling somewhere, we always find a good coffee shop. I know that it's not a big thing, it's not really boobs around the world, but it's like wherever we go, we're going to find a really good coffee shop, and we're going to go there and we're just going to sit and chill for a few minutes. You read so much more about the rituals than me. Yes, I'm super ritualistic, but that's something well, I mean, that pops into my head, and I would agree with you. I do find that your work has you traveling to some really interesting places, and there's always something on the horizon that's a lot of fun to look forward to. And I think that element of the life of our life. Our lives is what I look forward to every week, every month, every year. It's kind of like, okay, what have you got lined up that you're doing? Oh, you know what? I'd love to come with you here or there or yes, we're going to work on this together. And I think the ritual for you, I'm going to suggest, and I could be wrong, is sort of the safety and the unknown because we're always moving into new spaces. We're often in a new city that you've never been to before. And there's something about that Third Wave coffee shop that feels somewhat familiar. Yes. I got to get my espresso on. So it's like that balance of familiarity and novelty that I think I need more novelty, you need more familiarity, but there's a crossover there. Yes, I would agree. I mean, I take more comfort in the safety elements. I mean, you joke around, call me Captain Safety. I'm not like you, safety Fourth, or whatever it is. Right. But I'm still alive. You're welcome. Listen, I even go to the dentist. You know what? We're not even going to go there because I just want everyone to know I had to essentially book the appointment for you. No, I didn't myself. After how many emails for me to tell you to book and go to the dentist? Anyhow, Dr. McMartin, I'll see you next week. Thursday, I'm going to the dentist. You know what else I was going to say? I feel our thing is one of the things for us is we have a lot of deep conversations, like conversations that to me are emotional and revealing, usually political, and really get at the root of how our values permeate into all of the areas of our lives and the issues that matter to us. And I don't know if that sounds a little bit vague, but I know every time we're in a car or every time we're chatting together, just these conversations that either excite me or even upset me. Not because of you, but because of the topic. You don't have to make me feel better. No, but it's not because of you. Do you know what I mean? Like those deep conversations that sometimes I'm like, oh, this would be really interesting on the podcast, but I would never do it, honestly, because I just value those long conversations with you. Not that I don't want to put it out there, but I wouldn't want to have to edit myself or be self conscious about what we're talking about because the passion is just there. Here's our thing. When we go for hikes, we always talk about work and new ideas and new concepts, and I actually find it a lot of fun. Like, I find it very it's very clarifying. I find it relaxing being in nature. It's a beautiful surrounding. It's a beautiful day, whatever it is, and we're talking about something that also motivates me and excites me, and we usually leave those hikes after. Of course, I've scouted out the area for bears and things, because Captain Safety over here is like, let's just go on this random walk and find, oh, look, there's a cave. Honestly, some rumblings inside. When was the last time a bear attacked us? Okay, I thought you were going to say, when was the last time we saw bear, because how many times have we seen bears? Just a few. You know, somebody that got attacked by a bear man. Yes, but I haven't been attacked by a bear. Oh, my gosh. For real? This is why life is exciting. Yes. I don't want that kind of excitement in my life. Next week, you can tell the story about Yosemite and the bears and the bear hunters.

Okay, now that I've given Brendan enough time to come up with his thing you do not like being put on the spot like that. I put on the spot all the time. I don't mind. Most of the time, I don't mind. There's pressure, right? Especially when we're talking about our own relationship there's no I feel vulnerable. I feel selfconscious, for sure. You think you do. That's why I don't go back and listen. And I know you're not supposed to break that third wall or fourth wall or whatever it is, but I never go back and listen because I just want to have a conversation with you. Always. Yes. I feel good now. I feel relaxed. Good. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm good. Say la luan. Hey, Sala. Halloween. All right, folks, wherever you're at, sorry for that outro song. Try out these try out some of these exercises. Maybe you'll think about using the spreadsheet. Maybe it's more about finding your own boobs around the world. Maybe it's about struggling to figure out what your thing is installing like Brandon. But I just think that the takeaway is to keep investing in the relationship, keep putting the effort in, and don't take your foot off the gas. So hopefully you've learned something from these messages from happy couples. I certainly have a quick shout out to my friends over at Adam and Eve.com who have restarted the discount code Dr. Jess. 50% off almost any single item, plus free shipping and some free goodies. Adam and Eve.com check them out. Code Dr. Jess with that. That's all she wrote. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. You're listening to the sex with Dr. Jess Podcast cast. Improve your sex life. Improve your life.