Q&A: Help! My partner picks porn over me

Happier Couples

Q&A: Help! My partner picks porn over me

21:18

 

• How do you talk about porn in relationships?
• What if you disagree about porn?
• Why would a partner opt for porn and masturbation over partnered sex?

Jess & Brandon weigh in on a listener question related to her fiancé's porn use. They share communication prompts and strategies for discussion porn when you and your partner are not on the same page.

And once again, if you are looking for The Sex Spreadsheet, check that blog post here.

Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Q&A: Help! My partner picks porn over me

Participant #1:
You're listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I'm your co host, Brandon. We're here with my lovely other or half and Dr. Jess. Hey. Hey, how you doing? I'm great. How are you doing? I'm excellent. I've been unpacking sex toys all morning. Yes. Got sex toys on sex toys. It's boxes and boxes of new vibes. What else did you do with them while you were unpacking them? Why are you saying that? Oh, I juggled them. I juggled them. Yes, I've been juggling sex toys. I'm not very good at juggling. And a circus show at our house this morning. I do juggle for the gram. Just for the gram. People are always like, oh, you can juggle. I'm like, no, I can't juggle. I can only juggle long enough to do a loop on the gram. Same thing with headstands. I'd like to credit my filming abilities because it looks like you juggle for hours on end. Oh, yeah, I wish. I wish. Yeah. Every time people see me, they ask about yoga. They're like, oh, you're doing more yoga. I have no clue what they're talking about. It's because I put headstand pictures on Instagram. People think I do yoga, but all I do is a plain headstand. You got crazy headstand abilities. Like, you can hold a headstand for days, and you can do it on it. I'm going to throw it over to you right now. You can hold a headstand on a paddle board, angled surfaces on the beach. Well, not for days. I'm falling down just walking on them. And you're doing headstands. Your headstand is getting good, but it's performative. People listen. I'm just doing it to get the picture and to get the video done so that I don't have to learn any TikTok dances. Well, I like it. It works out well. So these sex toys, I have a small house and too many sex toys, but I'm really excited because I got some new ones that I've never seen before. So LoveShop sent me a whole bunch of toys. One is a mushroom or mushroom for people who don't like mushrooms. Mushroom. Say it again. A mushroom. A mushroom. That one feels really, really good. Even I liked that one. And then I got a pionee or peony. I don't know. My mom said pionee. My mom had pionee in her garden growing up. I think it maybe it's a Jamaican thing. I don't know. Or British thing. I have no anyhow, I'm pretty excited for these toys because there's some tech and design that I haven't seen before. So I got one that's like a kiwi bird. It looks like a little hummingbird to me. Some of them. I think there's a celebrity.

Anyhow, it's going to be my job this week to try out these toys and tell you what they were like next week. And I also will try out these toys and let you know because I'm enjoying them, even if they're not necessarily designed for me. I actually have a stroker for you, a new one that you can try. Yeah, right on. Okay, so, yeah, just that's what I've basically been up to. And now we're going to type headstands and sex toys. Headstands and sex toys. I want to just mention that we have a new sponsor for a podcast, a new partner, and they are also a podcast. So you may be familiar with Come As You Are, the book well educator and best selling author Dr. Emily Nagoski is answering your questions about sex with the latest science on her new podcast, Come As You Are. And I'm sure many of you are familiar with the book, and this is a modern guide to sexual wellbeing backed by groundbreaking research. It's all about desire, anatomy, and orgasm. Much, much more. And she's in conversation with her producer, and they are there to debunk cultural myths and really just flip the script on everything you thought you knew about sex and sexuality. So you can go ahead and add another sex podcast to your roster. Listen to Come As You Are wherever you get your podcasts to unlock your most pleasurable life in the bedroom and beyond. Sounds like fun. Yes. And people sometimes ask, why are you promoting another sex podcast? Because people can listen to more than one. There are many perspectives. And Emily's, really brilliant. Yeah, I mean, why not, just like you said, unlock a new opportunity. Yeah, go check it out. Come as you are. And I have a little bit of housekeeping before we dive into our topic at hand, which is, why does my partner pick porn over me? So we're going to get into that but quick housekeeping. With regard to the sex spreadsheet. So I know we've gotten all of your emails and requests for it. Some of you have responded saying that you've received it, some of you have not. And I do think because we have sex with Dr. Jess in our email addresses, if we add an attachment to an email, sometimes it's going to go to your junk. So I did get permission to add the spreadsheet online. So you can go ahead if you want the sex spreadsheet, you can find it on our blog, sexwooddoctorjess.com. Just head to the sex spreadsheet podcast and you'll see a link there in the text. Sexwoctorjust.com. Wow. And a lot of people wanted to do their homework with that. Sexy. That was amazing. I love it. Oh, yes. And while you're there, I'm going to throw out just an option, maybe go, if you're up for it. Give us a review of the podcast. If you like it. Hopefully you do. I know Jess doesn't like asking for these, so I thought I would use the opportunity to say, if you like what you're hearing, give us a five star hopefully go give Brandon a review, folks. Don't review me. Just review Dr. Jess. Five out of five.

Hey, we're a team. Okay, we've got a question to get to today, and I think it might be a bit of a quickie question, but it's a really good question. So this person says, my fiancee and I have been together for over a year. We love each other very much, we spend lots of time together, and we do things together. But the thing is that if I'm not with him, he likes to masturbate. And he tells me this, and I don't feel comfortable when he says that. So my question to you is, is it normal that he likes to masturbate almost every time I'm not with him using porn? Because I feel like maybe he doesn't like me that much. If he doesn't want to wait till the next day when I see him, we usually have sex whenever we're together. I would really appreciate your advice. I mean, I might twist off a batch of knuckle children when you're not around. Yeah, I know you used to travel a lot more, like, without me. Now I've been coming whenever I can. Grant me. Yes, exactly. I knew that was coming, but twice. But yeah, definitely would take care of business when you're not around. I did find after a few days, I'd be like, okay, yeah, enough, I'm done. Yeah, I'm shipping through 60 seconds. Well, it used to be ten second videos, then it was two minute videos. Now it's like hours of videos. Why, because you last longer? No, because I'm old. And when you first started searching for porn, it was like, hard to find clips, man. Remember we talked about my porn? Evolution started with, like, somebody's dad or mom or somebody had a magazine. You got that? And then somebody's parents had maybe had actually, you know what? Before the video, it's like late at night sometimes you'd see the squigglies. Remember we talked about the squiggles? You might be like, oh, I saw boob, I saw butt, I saw somebody doing something. Yes. When the signal was all and the signal was all scrambled, and it was like, you might be taking care of business watching the squigglies at 02:00 in the morning. Did you hear the noises? Oh, yeah, the noises. What's all about? Oh, okay, I just need to turn off just turn off the sound. Right. Go to town. And then it descrambles for a moment because Mars crosses our best days. My parents would be like, why is my son in the basement for like, six straight hours? It took you 6 hours. You just keep going over at that age. You just keep doing it over and over. And then the evolution was somebody's parent. We find porn, find a VHS. Yes, VHS. And then now it's like it's omnipresent it's everywhere at your fingertips. Well, you know, for this person, this is just such a common experience worrying that you're not enough or that you're not good enough if your partner is masturbating or if they're watching porn. And I really want to validate and say that I understand that. And it's not uncommon to feel like sometimes it feels like they're choosing something else over you. But the good news is that it's not an either or scenario, because the two things are not usually connected.

People who are really attracted to their partner can still masturbate and watch porn. And people who love sex with their partner can still masturbate and watch porn. And people who have lots of sex can still masturbate and watch porn. And sometimes they do it with their partner, sometimes they do it on their own. So I will say, yes, I do think this is normal. Many people masturbate and watch porn while also enjoying a really satisfying sex life with a partner that they adore and love and are really attracted to. And I think that we have to remember that so many of us in relationships really value our own solo sex alongside partnered sex. Because masturbation feels good. It relieves stress. It can lead to a restful night's sleep. It can boost your mood. It can improve how you feel about your body, and it just feels good. I was also thinking perhaps this person might be trying to improve. Maybe they're thinking about Stamina, maybe just the idea that they want to last longer for their partner. Did you ever do that? Yes, I did. The joke was, before you go out to the nightclub or the bar or whatever, when we were younger, you had to make sure you took care of business in case you did hook up and you wanted to make sure that you could perform for longer than 10 seconds. Hang on, though. Did you ever hook up? No, I did not have a lot of game at picking up. But you also, like, you weren't super into one night stands. I thought you shouldn't call a game. I just didn't have success. I felt tongue tied. I felt I paralyzed. Like this? Yeah, exactly. Like, I'm on the spot right now. I don't know what to say. Can you imagine? So, no, I didn't hook up very often. I also had certain associations where it's like, you had to be in a relationship to have sex. So I was like, I don't want to be in a relationship. I just want to have sex. Right? So then you go home emptyhanded, and you'd have to then, you know, and then you were no longer able to learn. Exactly, because the squeeze was on. You know what I'm saying? So you would masturbate, because if you masturbated, then if you did hook up, you wouldn't fly off the shelf, actually. You'd be walking into the bar and be like, yeah, no, I'm good. I'm done. I already finished. So that's an interesting perspective. I didn't really think of and it might be because it enhances your partner's sex life. And it's interesting because in your case, for this person, it's happening when you're apart. And that makes sense.

He can masturbate one night and then see you the next night and have sex with you. Really, just both of those things can happen. And it sounds like he has the drive to do both, and so he doesn't want to wait. And there's kind of nothing here that tells me you're worried that he doesn't like you. I don't think that's the case. Because he's having sex with you when you're together, I may not like, but he's liking having sex with you. Now, having said that, even though it's perfectly normal, it's not up to me to say, hey, this is fine. It's up to you to think about if you're having feelings about it, maybe approach the topic with him with some sort of curiosity. Maybe ask him how it feels. Maybe consider watching something sexy together. Maybe use this as an opportunity to ask him what he likes, what he fantasizes about, and maybe dive into what you think about too. You know, cognitively, you can know that it's not an either or thing. But of course, it's easy to take things personally. I know I do. And I think this leads to another scenario. You know, in this case, he's not necessarily choosing masturbation over your partner. He's doing both. But in other cases, I hear from folks who say that they're upset because their partner is choosing porn or choosing masturbation over them. It's happening when they're together, maybe in the next room, for many reasons. You know, if you're not in the mood, they might be in the mood, and they just go into the next room to get it off sometimes for some of us. And there's nothing wrong with this too, and I know this people can maybe disagree with me on this, but sometimes it's just easier to masturbate when you don't have as much energy. You don't have to worry about someone else. I hear from people who say they'll go into another room to get off because they kind of don't want to bother their partner because they don't think they're in the mood. And again, this is not for this specific person, but I think this is kind of a related topic, and it leads to another piece that I think is super important. And this is the reality that your partner's body and their sexuality is ultimately their own. Right. Of course, you're entering into some sort of an agreement or contract of sorts when you get into a relationship, but it's really up to you, all the parties involved, to decide what works for you, kind of. There's no right way to do things. And I think among sexologists, sex educators, sex therapists, we talk about this often, we often get asked, do you have a say in your partner's masturbation habits? We're approached by people who want us to tell them that their partner needs to stop watching porn because they consider it cheating. And, you know, I think the party line is you don't have a say over what anybody else does on their own. And that's true. But it doesn't mean that you don't have feelings related to how your partner engages with their own body when it comes to sex and pleasure. And that doesn't mean that people or couples don't make agreements with regard to masturbation and specifically with regard to porn, because I want to just acknowledge that some people consider watching porn a form of cheating. We obviously don't. But if that's the case for you, I think the solution is you need to be with someone who feels the same way. That's the only way I can see it working out. I don't know.

What do you think? Like, if I said, I don't want you watching porn. I know you don't have a ton of time to watch porn, but if I was away more, I imagine that would be very difficult. I think that would be something where I would need to sit down and talk to you about it, because of course I can masturbate without porn. It's just that the whole process is different. It gives you something to fantasize about, to think about. It's not that I don't think again, me personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with it at all. And if you were to masturbate to porn, I wouldn't have any problem with it. I do, and there you go. And I have absolutely no problem with it. So I think it would be very difficult, and I think I want to have a conversation with you and understand why. Yeah. When you say it would be difficult, are you saying that it would be difficult to masturbate without porn, or are you saying it would be difficult to have your private behavior kind of dictated by them or governed? Yeah, I think it's more about the private behavior. Of course I can masturbate without porn. It's just I want to understand why. And why do you feel that watching that makes you feel a certain way? I want to understand what it is about that so that I can perhaps empathize with how you're feeling. Perhaps it gives me an opportunity to have a conversation with you about some of if there's insecurities or there's some concern there, then we can address it. And again, it spawns another bigger conversation, which I hope will lead us down a path to some sort of resolution, understanding, greater sense of intimacy, connection, all of those things. I care for you. I want this to be better. In this case, I don't agree. Right. And it really brings up these ideas around monogamy, because in monogamy, we do in some way dictate what our partner can or cannot do. Right. Whether it be porn or whether it be online sex, whether it be sex with another partner. And so we both have to be on board. And I think porn is actually a great example of something that if you disagree upon it, you might be at an impasse. If you are dead set against porn or masturbation, you probably aren't going to want to be with someone who loves to watch porn because why, if you love someone, would you want to limit something that they also love? To me, that sounds like a values misalignment that may not be able to be bridged right. If you believe it's wrong or immoral or harmful and they love it, you simply may not be compatible. And if you know this from the onset, it's easier. But if you discover this values misalignment when you're already in a longterm relationship, it can be more of a challenge. And some of those things I think you can address, like if you think it's unethical, then you can consume ethical porn. You can have that conversation about why that matters to you and why you want to budget to pay for your porn. But I want to say this is where the couples who thrive are the ones who are trying to understand one another as opposed to trying to be right. So I'm not trying to convince you not to watch porn.

You're not trying to convince me that porn is good. It goes back to what I think is the most important conversation in my opinion. And you just said it. It is the why, the why of your values, the why of your desires, the why of your boundaries. So the conversation looks something like, why do you want to watch porn? What do you get out of it? Without accusation. Because I can say, like, I want to understand what you love about porn, or I can say, well, why do you even want to watch porn? I want to understand what's wrong with you. Yeah, there's two different conversations. I'm using porn as an example. But you can insert any sexual activity or fantasy or desire here. So why do you want it? What do you get out of it? What appeals to you about it? Why is it important to you? Either because you like it or because you're not keen on a relationship that sets those kind of boundaries on your desires and sexual pleasure. So, again, it's the why, you know, is it that it gets you off in a reliable way and helps you to have a good night's sleep? Is it that you love the variety of it? Is it that the sexual pleasure and exploration and the fantasy are really key components of your own fulfillment and it's important to you that your relationship and your partner support this exploration? Is it that it helps to distract you from the mundanity or the stress of the everyday? Is it that it's just hot, you just like it, and they like the sounds the visuals, the sometimes absurd scenarios. And are you watching ethical porn? Right, porn in which the actors are treated well, paid well, which means you're probably paying for your porn. So that's the first part of the conversation is the why, and we have to really give credence to that. And then equally important is the why, not the flip side. Why does your partner masturbating and watching porn upset you? How do you feel about it? Why do you feel that way? Are you morally opposed to porn? And if so, why? Does ethical porn address some of these moral objections? Are you feeling insecure about the fact that what you do or how you sound or how you look is perhaps diametrically opposed to the porn your partner is consuming? And these aren't really simple questions and conversations, but if you start to have them and allow yourself to explore and be vulnerable, I think it can help you to assess whether or not you can cultivate that compatibility. There's so much I'm already thinking just about these conversations. When you say, like, what about this? What do you like? What do you dislike? I don't look like that. And then that spawns another conversation, and then again at the end of it, at least even in these conversations, these podcasts, I feel like I take so much out of this because I feel like I'm learning.

I'm constantly just questioning what it is and what I'm told to think or feel. And as soon as you start questioning and trying to understand, I feel like you're going to have a better self awareness. Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. And porn means different things to different people, right? I think that it kind of gets a bad rap or it's seen as a quick solution, but it's integrated into couple's lives. And there's some research around couples watching porn together, having hotter sex and more satisfying sex lives. And I know this has moved away from the listeners original question, but it's such a common experience, one partner being mad over their partner masturbating to porn, and there actually are no universal answers. Right? I'm not going to tell them to stop watching porn, and neither can you. But you can let them know why it's making you uncomfortable, and then they can let you know why it's important to them. And the last piece I'd like to highlight with regard to this conversation or this potential relational impasse, it has to do with considering another why. Why do we want to limit our partner's pleasure? What do we get out of it? I've talked about this before, and I'm not saying I'm always okay with everything, because I'm totally not. But in theory, I want everyone I love and everyone in the world to have everything possible in this short life. As much love, safety, care, pleasure, excitement, passion, all of that. I want you, especially in the context of this relationship. I never wanted you to feel held back. I want you to have every richness that this earthly life has to offer, not just sexually. And I want you to live with every possible good thing that exists. But I also want to be with you. I like the way our relationship is a lot. So that doesn't mean I'm cool with everything, because some things a lot of things might feel threatening either because of sociocultural conditioning or my own bias or my own visceral response. And I want to say that a lot of people hate watching porn because it just doesn't turn them on, and they can't fathom why those hyperbole, like, the scenarios could turn their partner on. It's okay to have a visceral response that's like, you know what? Actually, this makes me really uncomfortable. This turns me off. So I don't think we're definitely not heathen, us, and we're not relationship anarchists, and we're really just with each other. But I want to always make space for you to come to me if you want something.

So whether you want to move to Antarctica or you want to retire today and I support you, or maybe you want to move your parents in with us, or maybe you want to get a pet cobra. Or maybe you want to have three other you want to have a threesome tonight, or you want to have three other nesting partners and lovers. Or maybe you want to live in separate houses but stay together. So I'm naming all the things that are not that appealing to me on the surface. I still want there to be a safe space for the possibility of at least discussing your desires. So, no, I don't want your parents to move in with us. No, I don't want three other nesting partners, meaning partners who live with us. I'm just surprised that you didn't go to moving to Antarctica is the first thing that you didn't want to do. Okay, you know, I got to draw the line somewhere. Exactly. I'm not about to freeze. I will die. I will die out there. You won't move any further north than we currently are. I'm too cold here as it is. I already moved. I already had to split my time because it's too cold in Canada. So my point, though, is, however you approach any disagreement or misalignment or impasse, can you bear in mind that if you love this person, you really want to create space for all the joy and pleasure and fulfillment possible as long as they feel the same way and not to your own detriment? I think that's the big thing right there is it's like, I agree. I want all of those things for you too. I don't want to hold you back. There's also going to be things that I'm not comfortable with, but I think it gives us an opportunity to have that conversation. Like, do you want this? Yes, in theory, I want it, but at the same time? No, I don't, because I'm afraid of how this might impact our relationship. But being able to verbalize that rather than just me acting out in a certain way, I think is going to improve this relationship. And also just the willingness, your willingness to have these conversations. Because I have friends that just don't talk about anything with their partners, or at least it seems to me like they don't because they convey that they don't. But I'm like if you're not having these conversations, then I feel like they're festering under the surface and at some point it is going to bubble and come to the surface and you're going to have to address it. So why not? And let me just tell you, I am seeing it with so many couples in their 50s who have spent all this time together.

Their kids are either teens or they're almost ready to move out. And they're splitting because their needs have been unfulfilled for too long and they feel that there's no coming back. And they realize, like, you know what? I've got only however many more decades on this planet and I don't want to spend it either unhappy. I don't want to spend it abstinent. Now, again, people will choose abstinence. That's fine. But I'm talking about people who don't want abstinence. So I'm not trying to oversimplify it. It doesn't mean you never feel threatened or uncomfortable or upset at times by what your partner wants. But hopefully you can recognize that those feelings are your own so that you can self soothe and you can also ask them for support and reassurance and you don't have to give them everything they want, right? You don't have to compromise your own values. I hope I've made that really clear. Of course not. You also deserve all the joy and all the safety and love and pleasure that life has to offer. But if you can at least question why you're setting boundaries that you're setting, like, where are you getting these messages? I think you might be more open to hearing more from them and having these conversations. And again, this question started with watching porn and masturbating, but it goes far beyond this. So, you know, the next time they want something that upsets you and this is for all of us, I think we can all try to tune into what it is that doesn't work for us so that we can be more open to hearing what our partner wants. And I think we all need this reminder. I think it's so easy to just roll with socially imposed norms and I have to check myself all the time. Well, I love these questions, these listener questions, because I think you start questioning your own beliefs and it just gives me an opportunity to start thinking about these things and then even with what you're saying, it's like social kind of normative behavior. And it's like, well, is this what. I want? Is this what I want my norm to be? Am I willing to do try something different? Yes, I am. No, I'm not. Why? Right. And when you dig in and understand a little bit more about yourself, I just feel like at least in this relationship, it continues, it flows through the relationship. Yes. And you obviously have to have the safety of a loving, caring, trusting relationship to begin with. Right.

So that's one of the mistakes I do here in the work that I do, because I often talk about risk and passion and what we can do to inject elements of risk into the relationship. But if you're not already in a stable place, then you need to work on the stability first before you go to kind of the fun stuff. So thank you so much for your question. I know that we buried a little bit away from it. I hope you do know that it is normal to masturbate from your partner, or when you're with your partner. Lots of people consume porn. Some people are fine with it, some people are not. There is no right answer. But I hope you dig into the why conversation and I hope that other folks are able to take that framework and apply it to other things within your sex life, around fantasies and desires and boundaries. Once again. A quick reminder that Dr. Emily Nagoski has her new podcast. Come as you are. So do check that out. And I'm going to be back next week with my toy reviews of the Mushroom Mushroom. I said it the Pioneer Peony, the Kiwi, the Kalali, a couple of others. So I'm pretty excited to share those. But also next week, we are going to be talking about orgasms. So how to have the best orgasms. I have dozens of questions that I've kind of piled up around orgasms and all the different types of orgasms you can have. So I'm looking forward to that. Awesome. As am I. And don't forget to go and review the podcast if you have time. If you like what you're listening to, don't review it if you don't. If you don't. Thank you for listening. But, yeah, for those of you that are fans that do enjoy, please go and give us a review. We always appreciate your feedback. Thank you, sir. Much thanks, babe. Thank you. Have a great one. Folks. You're listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life. Improve your life.