Lessons From A Porn Star: Orgies, Love & More!

Happier Couples

Lessons From A Porn Star: Orgies, Love & More!

41:25

 

Journalist, hip-hop artist, and porn performer, Malcolm Lovejoy, joins Jess and Brandon to share his insights on music, sexual rights, the adult industry, orgies, sex clubs, and more.

• What makes for a successful orgy?
• What really goes down at a porn shoot?
• Why do sexual rights matter?
• What is the porn star experience?

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health, or other professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Lessons From A Porn Star: Orgies, Love & More!

Participant #1:
You're listening to the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast sex and relationship advice you can use tonight. Welcome to the sex with Dr. Jess Podcast. I'm your cohost, Brandon. We're here with my lovely other half, Dr. Or Jess. Hey. Hey. And today we are joined by Adam. You Malcolm Lovejoy, whom we ran into just a few weeks ago at the Taboo show in Toronto. And it had been a couple of years. I just want to tell the people about you before we dive in. So you are a hip hop artist, a journalist. You are an adult entertainer. You are the winner of two International porn awards. Feminist porn. I think that's right. And you're just a lovely person. You're passionately, devoted to providing safety, satisfaction, sexed, inspiration, and everlasting memories for folks of all genders and exploring just intimacy, needs and sexuality. Your services range from I was looking at your website. You have massage, you have cuddling, you have the boyfriend experience, the porn star experience, love coaching. You do it all. And I know that that short bio does not do you justice. So what did I miss? Tell us about you. Oh, I am honored and I'm thankful that you spread the truth. I don't know if I could say all, but I do as much as my body and mind and soul possibly can in a day for somebody who needs love and truth and help in this very violent and cold and beautiful and crazy wild world we're all in. I do my best. It's been ten years. I have won a couple of awards, and I've got X amount of experience in what I like to call the trenches of love and relationship. I also do music. I'm working on a book, and the book has been my Achilles heel for some reason. I could write articles and I could write BIOS for other people and I could write about poly all the time, but finishing my book has been a problem. But I'm a big book nerd about sex, so I'm doing what I can in this life to spread love and joy and truth. Well, we look forward to the book, and I think we need to talk about that connection between hip hop and porn and your journey from hip hop to porn and back and forth. And, of course, we're dealing with this week the brutal and tragic death of takeoff from Migos. And I've seen numerous reactions across social media platforms ranging from kind of accusations around hip hop and the supposedly inherent violence to reactions that are really informed by love and reasons why it can be difficult for so many. Folks to access love and why we turn oftentimes to violence and being territorial and how that's rooted in, you know, patriarchy and racism and all of these other elements that are a part of the reality. So I don't know how you're feeling after that sad news yesterday. I love and I really appreciate the awareness and healing that you bring around to it, because I was dealing with it yesterday.

There's so much to say, but one of my first reactions that I kind of really resonated with me is somebody said, yo, I come from a generation where Tupac and Biggie died, but those guys died six months apart, and there wasn't rappers dying every week in that time. And back in 1996, 97, when a rapper died, it was of course, tragic and heartbreaking and horrible, like a senseless loss, but there was time to process it. It still breaks my heart because nobody was ever arrested for either one of those murders. But there was time to process it. Now there's just rappers dying every week, every couple of days, and it's just like some of them are young and sometimes it's just life is still so fleeting and so worthless and so valueless in this generation, and it's really heartbreaking because that's not what hip hop is supposed to be, really isn't. I want to have this be a dialogue. Look, what else did you think? Because I have a couple of other things to say, too. But yeah, well, I want to know what hip hop is supposed to be. I know Brandon was listening to some of your music, but what do you see hip hop as well? It originally started as the news of the ghetto. It was folk music for people of color, for disenfranchised people. It was the voice of the voiceless. It was people who couldn't get on CNN or ABC Regular News, but had their stories and have their family and friends and crime in the streets, or going to day to day jobs or whatever, having dreams and hopes and struggles and art forms and talent that was not being expressed or exposed. So hip hop made parties and made their own space to do it. And now it's on top of the world. I got to see I'm in my mid forty s now, and I got to see hip hop just grow up from a thing that they used to say, oh, this will never last another summer. I remember in the beginning of the when in the big days of Empty Hammer and Vanilla Ice, they're like, oh, hip hop, the entire culture is a fad. It's not going to last two years. And I was like, no, man, we're going to stick around. I was like, if there's going to be five of us, we're going to laugh. And no, there's more than five of us. And we are now god bless rock and roll, which is another black art form, but it's just hiphop is now the biggest music on the planet. And I know in the 90s we kind of didn't think it would be this big, but all that being said, it's now the biggest art form on the planet. And in some ways it gained the world to lose its soul. Because Takeoff is 28 years old. He's a multimillionaire. What's the point? Sometimes I think about it these days. I'm like, would it have been better for Takeoff to never have found hip hop and to just be a regular black man working in Atlanta right now, just being a mailman? Maybe he would have had grandkids if he never found hip hop. In hip hop. He was never shot senselessly at a dice game last night in Houston. Some of these rappers die over some of the most senseless things, like the PMB murderer that getting murdered at a chicken and waffles, like rappers dying on shoes or girlfriends or like a Louis Vuitton bag and stuff like that. It's ridiculous. So hip hop was not about that. Hip hop was never about murdering people over ego or violence or masculine ignorance or guns or drugs or whatever. No life is worth that. So that's why I got into sexuality and emotional work and healing and stuff like that, because so many people in hip hop are really kind of broken and, yeah, it's so deep, it's wild, it's tragic. So how do those two go hand in hand?

So hip hop and you're in sexuality, you're an adult performer. What's your mission? What are you trying to accomplish here? I want to create as much love and examples of love and documents of love and articles I want to make. The books are the hardest thing, but as many podcasts as I can. I'm not afraid to talk. I love to express myself. I have an emcee in the Antijournalist, and I want to definitely be an example of a man that walked this earth and spread love and truth and was an example of justice and did not harm his lovers and was consensual about the sexuality and the porn and the king and the freaky orgies and the wild sex parties and all the fun. Hedonistic beautiful things that we are free to do in a lifetime. If you find the spaces where it's happening and you consensually connect to the community. I'm not hurting anybody. I'm not abusing my power to get into the places of privilege and pleasure that I go to. I'm studying the way I have to study, and I'm learning what I have to learn. And then I go to sex parties and whatever and board hiphop concerts, and I spread love and truth in music and dancing and good energy. And if somebody wants to make love to me, I'm right here. Yeah, I don't play games at all. I had a wonderful Halloween, beautiful sex, and I met some new partners and whatever, and I had, like, some porn. It's cool because my life is sometimes very porn oriented, and then sometimes it's very music oriented. And I like to go back and forth because porn can be frustrating sometimes, too, and then music can be frustrating, and then journalism can be frustrating too, also, because I used to come from days where I used to have articles printed and now magazine and stuff, and there's barely any even print magazines anymore. Right. And you have to produce things so quickly for such a low pay rate. I know about that. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my first gig out of school was writing ten articles a week for this website on sexuality and articles. Yeah, ten articles. I was paid $100 US a week, and I was like, oh, that's like 130 Canadian Epstein. But can you imagine writing ten? The expectation. And people complain about the decline of journalism, but it really is about the profits. But let's go back to okay, you're so right. Thank you for sharing that so much, baby share. So if we go back to some of the stuff that you're into so I think people want to learn from you. They want to hear about you. So you had a great Halloween last week. We were actually going to record, but you were at a porn shoot. Tell us a little bit about that. What happens on a porn shoot? What do people get wrong? What is it like for you? How do you cultivate an environment of safety and trust and love and pleasure? Well, on a parachute is like a fantasy mixed with your regular sexual experience, mixed with the highest and most respectful business and work environment that you've ever been in, all happening at once.

Participant #1:
But these are the ones you're on. These are the ones the ones that I very much try to provide and the ones that I will show up and participate. Yes, you're working with people who have the same morals and values and generally aligned internally with you and have a similar it's not the same, but similar kinks and fantasies and desires. So you're like, all right, well, we want to fuck, and maybe we want to wear some bunny costumes today. So it's like, oh, you want to wear bunny costume too? All right, let's do this. So you get together and then you discuss what you want to do, and then you definitely discuss what you do not want to do and what you do not want to have happen to you and your hard knows your limits and your boundaries and your safety requirements. And you both negotiate that. You both come to an agreement, and then usually it happens the same day, but sometimes you're negotiating for future stuff. And then what separates porn from dating and regular human relationships is a professional will show up. Sometimes I like to parallel martial arts and fighting with porn because it's like gladiators in an arena. Everybody's talking shit, everybody's on the outside, everybody says they can do it. But porn is two gladiators getting in the arena and throwing down. Boxing is two people getting in the ring and throwing down. Porn is two or more people getting in a bedroom in front of a camera and fucking. And like so many people sit back and they watch. They could be a voyeur or person in the audience, whatever, and they say they can do it. But porn is professional people showing up to share passion. And I am that person. So I have a question about you. Talk about two people discussing what they will and won't do in advance. But isn't there a director? Isn't there somebody telling you also what they want? Or is it more creative in that you and your partner get to actually formulate the scene? Does it depend on what is needed or who's shooting? How does that work? I'm glad you asked, because 20 years ago there was definitely more director oriented porn and it was closer to the old school Hollywood. But with the advent of smartphones, everybody is their own director now. POV is whoever is holding the camera is the director. But for sure, like in the early ninety s, it was California, Miami, Las Vegas, lead porn. And those are Vivid or various companies, and it would be the director making the decisions, the director primarily choosing the talent. And if the talent really doesn't like to work with each other, they won't. But it'll be like the director kind of guiding the scene and guiding the dialogue and everything. Definitely guiding the edits of what gets shown and whatnot what doesn't show up in the final cut. But nowadays, no, we're all directors, so we're all actor, director, editors, publishers, marketers and promoters. So it's a free for all. And yeah, I don't like to focus on some of the traditional things. I don't have to have come shots in my videos. I like to put way more pussy eating than most porn have. I like to have kissing, I want to have romance in my porn. And that's part of what I really want to bring to the table. So yeah, I'm really trying to inspire that. I love that. So it sounds like porn is becoming more democratic, more accessible, and of course it gets a bad rap. We always talk about porn not being education, but the reality is that in the absence of comprehensive sex education that actually depicts pleasure in various forms, people are turning to porn as their number one source of education. Now, I get that you're in the entertainment business. Do you ever think about that? Because your worlds collide because you are both a sex educator and a porn performer. You're right. People do take in various sources of media for their education. And whether it's a silly movie which influences society or a TV show which influences people are being influenced by things all the time, like art imitates life and life imitates art. It goes back and forth. And sexuality is the realm where the government and religion and the medical establishment, they've had the least comprehensive and respectful conversations with society about, hey, who is responsible for teaching things whatever school when schools are like, oh, we're going to teach you how to roll a condom on a banana, and then that's it. We're not really going to talk to you about anything, really. In a post secondary education, you don't really learn anything unless you go into the realm of sexuality itself. So people are just kind of sent out there, either 18 or 21 years old and just thrown into the wilderness of life and be like, okay, well, whatever you want, or whatever you think, and just good luck and hope you don't ruin your sex life and love life. In real life, I really try to inspire, and I really try not to be forceful about it because the world doesn't need another forceful, dominant man talking shit about what he thinks. I just try to provide an example. And for those who want to show up and learn from me, I offer all my heart and wisdom. For those who want guidance, I offer it. I do. There's a young man in Ottawa, there's some young men who have actually shown up and been like, hey, you know what? I will pay for your wisdom and education. I'm like, okay, I will provide it. I'm not going to force it on you. You want to learn? I will teach you. If your father didn't teach you or your peers didn't teach you, I can teach you. Another good thing that happened is I was at Oasis once with a wonderful partner I shoot with named Samantha Jones. Just for people who don't know, oasis is a sex club in Toronto. It's really cool. We have a whole episode on it. I did a live tour of it on Facebook Live, if people want to go back and look. But Oasis is downtown. It's sort of taking the sex club from the backroom to the living room because it's just an old house. It's not in a strip mall. It's in the middle of everything.

Like, I can walk to it from my house downtown. So just for a little context okay, so you're at Oasis? Yeah, I live close to and it's great. Every major and minority should have a sex club and a community for sex gathering. So I was at Oasis with a wonderful partner that I shoot with, Samantha Jones. We've been shooting together. I have a professional relationship with her on camera. It's wonderful. She's incredibly respectful and professional about her sexuality. And we did a wonderful scene in the pool together, and there was some romance, there was some sex, there was some cuddling and some intimacy. And then we put the scene online, and then she said she got hired as an escort next week after we put the scene up and somebody said, I want to recreate the exact scene that you did with Malcolm. So, yeah, I was like, yes. A guy watched my porn and saw how I am romantic and loving and gentle with a woman and he wanted to recreate it from there. So it's like, yes, porn does influence education and porn can influence society. And it doesn't have to be like a guy being like, oh shit, that girl is getting gagging her fucking mouth by a twelve inch dick. So all girls want to get gagged or choked or whatever. It's like no, it's all contextual. And hopefully some people see some sensual, romantic, feminist, respectful porn, dominatrix porn, where the woman is in control and a man can realize, like, hey, it's fun to not always be in control of the situation. Like, there is very much power in being submissive and there's very much pleasure in giving somebody else control. I was going to ask you, what are some of the lessons we can take away from porn, but you're already kind of parsing through them. The idea of talking about what you want, talking about your limits, playing different roles, finding power in submission, not leaning into gender stereotypes. This is what you're living, you're embodying. It's what we're seeing in your porn. And I should actually stop for a moment and ask, where can people access your porn? Thank you. There are some on Makelovenot porn.com. If you type up Makeleve not porn, you can find it there. I have a website called Spit Magazine and it's spit exposed. I have anonyfans obviously OnlyFans Malcolm ofjoy minibirds. Yeah. And I also do a lot of independent stuff for a couple of other companies. Shout out to Pink Label TV. I've got a video on there. Shout out to sinnesinclair Winnipeg. She's one of the greatest, greatest people. Oh, she's fantastic. She's a fantastic director. And she's doing some Angel Earth Angel work and really merging, fighting the government and just doing wonderful stuff. I love the sex community. I feel like it's chosen family in many ways. You're a a mad family. And when I see you all at the convention, it's just all our extended cousins are just people who get it. We're like, have good hearts and still like to have fun, but are also fucking adults, have wisdom and respect. I know we were so happy to run into you after all these years. And of course, folks, you can head also to Malcolmlovejoy.com, and that is your website where a bunch of your services are outlined. I want to talk about your services, but I also want to talk about sex parties and orgies because people are super curious. You talk about going into them with curiosity, cultivating consent, making sure that you're not forcing yourself into those spaces, but you're invited into those spaces. So where do we even begin? Let's start at the top. What is the wildest orgy you've ever been a part of? Oh my God. Coming from you. Wow. My God. So far, asha. I love to say so far because I want to keep breaking these records. I think my biggest might have been 14 people like, one single bed was seven couples fucking. That was a wonderful moment. We all got to go around in a circle. Everyone said, this is what I want. This is what I don't want, and this is what my name is. And it was fantastic. It was really, like it had just enough communication and connection, and it was slightly anonymous, but also slightly sharing. All right, although my first name one of my kings and the thing not to do to me, and that's all you need to know. And who facilitated that? I'm not asking for the name of the person, but was there somebody who said, like, you know what? Let's chat before we get started, but let's also set some Oscar music time on this so that people don't tell their whole life story. Here's three things about me. Was there someone kind of facilitating that orgy? Yeah, well, somebody just threw the idea out there, and it just felt right. Like somebody first said, hey, let's all go over here and fuck. And then everyone who heard that, who was interested was like, that's a pretty good idea. It's better than doing what I'm doing now. So then we all gathered in one space, and then while we were there, everyone was kind of in the couples, and then we're like, all right, before we get this started, there's a lot of us here, so let's kind of, like let's wrangle these cats a little tiny bit and just, like, have a tiny bit of structure to the chaos. Were you at a sex club when this happened, or were you just at a party? Yeah, it was also at a they weren't at the mall? Well, no, but I think there's this idea for people who haven't seen it, experienced it, or been interested, that it just kind of happens randomly at somebody's house. At a house party. I'm not saying that doesn't happen, but I think it's the from what you've expressed, this consensual interest from all parties who are willing to have a conversation before and then participate, which is different than I think most people would assume how it happens. You're absolutely right. I don't really go to regular places too much anymore. I can't really operate in bars. I don't operate on the three day thing and taking three weeks or whatever to confess your feelings or whatever. I move very fast, very honest, and in the first five or ten minutes of meeting me. Now, I don't push in people's faces, but if people are like, oh, well, what do you do? I'm like, I'm trying to learn who you are. I'm like, Well, I will gauge how mature they are, and I'll be like, okay, well, I might say I do sexuality, or I'll say I do porn, or I have some variation of it, and I will let people know in the first five or ten minutes. I work in adult filmmaking and porn and sexuality. And if you can't handle that, if you judge me or you take that wrong, we can't even continue any conversation. I won't be your friend in any way because no matter what, I won't judge you. If you're a garbage man and you fucking or your pop pimples for a living, I don't know what you do. I will not judge you. I have some friends, they don't do it for a living, but they really love doing it. They're like, oh, can I come over and pop your pimple?

To each their own. Brandon's looking at you. Exactly. Someone's young in the bedroom and out of the bed. And what you're saying is really about the, I guess, opportunity to live authentically, right. If they're not open to this is a big part of not only what you do, but who you are. Right. Some people have a job where it's something they do, but some of us who have feel like we have a bit of a calling. It is a big part of who we are. And I feel that way very much. And it's part of admit right now why I feel a little disillusioned by or disconnected from the sexuality field. Because I got into this really just around education and helping people and, yes, of course I make a living, and I make a good living, and I'm very thankful for that. And I love what I do. But the shift that we've seen over the last five years where everything is now commercialized, everything, is something that can be catalyzed upon every message. It has to become a meme that can go viral so that you can get more followers. I find it exhausting and it honestly makes me think of leaving the field often because I did an article or I contributed to an article the other day and I think the headline was, even Walmart Sells Sex Toys Now. And it's true. Walmart target. The big drug stores are all CBS. Walgreens. Up here in Canada, when you see shoppers, drug mart, they're all getting into the game. For those of us who have been kind of fighting the fight to normalize sexuality to make it accessible to Destigmatize, that is a huge celebration. So the first side is that there's this beautiful, exciting movement that we've been a part of, but then there's also this piece where we're sort of being pushed out because if we can't commodify what we're doing at a certain level, we're going to be left in the dust and maybe we won't. You know, there's a lot of people who are like, oh, I'm an influencer, so I'm going to talk about this and that's fine. I'm not saying you need to I definitely don't believe people need to go to school. I don't believe that it all has to be credentialed because I think there's huge, obviously, accessibility issues there and we're missing some important voices. But amen I think there has to be a passion or a willingness to learn and an acknowledgment of all the work that came before all of us. Right. All the work that's being done from people who maybe don't have the platform that I have, but I continue to learn from them and I always want to kind of give credit and showcase and whatnot. I'm sorry I took it off the rails a little bit. No, it all matters and I love what you're talking about. Continue. There is this piece around here's what we're doing because we love it and it's a big part of who we are as opposed to just what we do. And if people aren't in line with that, I'm not saying I'll never talk to you, I'm not saying we can't hang around, but we won't be able to have the same connection as we do with the people who really value the change, the revolution, the peace around reproductive rights and also justice. These things are all tied together. Oh my God. Thank you. In every interview that I remember, you just clicked the thing that I live and breathe. I sincerely, sincerely believe that sexual rights are the civil rights movement of the 21st century. I really believe that. I embody that the way that in the black people and people of color were marching for to drink at water fountains and to go on buses and just have quality in society and just go to school. In this generation, it's gay, lesbian and trans people of color trying to get jobs and trying to work in the army and trying to just have go to sex clinics and be like seen as a regular person instead of judged as some freak or whatever or just kids just coming out at school. A 14 year old or a 16 year old being like, hey, I want to explore my trans identity. And we live in a day of so much computerization, so this kid is going to be exposed by the internet and hopefully we can protect them instead of having them be beat up or ostracized or killed like might have happened in the it's still happening today. It's still happening. Would never accept it's fundamental human rights to be able to go to school and go to work and feel safe, right? To be able to walk out on the street and feel safe. And there are so many people who don't have that right and including queer people. And it's intensified if you have different intersections of marginalized identities. And I think it's interesting because I was thinking about this interview and what we're going to talk about and what you can learn from a porn performer. And it's more than just, hey, talk about what you want before you have sex and practice, save sex and get tested. It intersects with every piece of our identity. And when you talk about it being a part of civil rights and human rights, I see. That in the work that you do, I see that your coaching isn't about here's how you give a better hand job, or here. And there's no shame in that. Like, listen, I'm teaching a job. It's valuable and valid. Yeah, there's a time for that and a time and place. But beyond that, you're really looking at breaking down stereotypes, challenging gender roles. And I was interested in that intersection. And the reason I started with hip hop is, where does the lack of love come from? Where does the lack of opportunity lead us? And I think it's interesting that you say you left hip hop and went into porn, and now it seems that you're kind of merging the two. I really am, and I thank you for bringing it full circle, because hip hop I love hip hop. I am a musician, and music is part of the way that I make love. There's very much a lot of parallels in my sexuality and my dancing. When I'm on the dance floor, I'm basically usually half naked and I'm making love to the music. I dance with all of my body and I sweat on the dance floor. And that's the same way I make my porn. I put all of my heart and soul in my porn. I'm often sweating, I'm often exhausted, and I'm very passionate as a lover. But that being said, I love hip hop with all my heart. And hip hop, as much as it's a beautiful, brilliant thing, it can be obviously toxic, masculine, fucking, just incredibly horrible in that way. It can be very sexist, it can be misogynist, it can be capitalist, it can be ignorant, but it's also very beautiful and brilliant and it can be educational. So hip hop kind of did everything and had almost every conversation it needed to have, except for the gay rapper conversation. And there's a couple of very controversial things that I'm working on.

One of them is talking about Eminem is actually gay and he's actually bisexual. And I very much believe that he's the world's biggest power bottom, but only a certain amount of people in the world are willing to discuss that. And I say this, I love Eminem, I love his brilliance, I love he's a brilliant rapper. But I do believe Eminem and Dr. Dre are gay, bisexual, and hip hop will not talk about it. Why do you say that? Like, what makes you think that? Because they're not out, right? They're not out and they're not out. There's this weird stratification in hip hop. In one day it's 2022, and I hope one day that hip hop will have this conversation publicly instead of privately and in all this silent message boards and just the secret whispering realms. But in hip hop, if you're out, if you come out, you kind of get put in the underground. So if you're in the mainstream and you're out, you can't be out real. I'm going to say a couple of people who I sincerely I love them, I support them. I am queer. So I'm not trying to drag anybody out of the closet. I just want to be yeah, I'm a little concerned about that. Is it okay for us to ask? Yeah. And people can disagree with this. And I'm like, I'm not saying this as an outlet. I am a black queer artist myself. I've had an interaction with Queen Latifah and Queen Latifah all but said I am a lesbian. But it's kind of understood. Exactly. But like, there's cleana tifa. There's Puff Daddy. Puff Daddy has privately, when he was talking about sucking Christopher Williams dick, he on record. He's done that. What about coffee? I'm thinking, because I see some of that there was kind of a video and an ad that insinuated. I know coffee's not hip hop, obviously. But some of that I think about, especially from the Jamaican culture, because I'm thinking about reggae and I'm thinking about dance hall and all of the not blatant homophobia, but blatant homophobia. Yeah, you're very right. I didn't quite hear coffee. And I love that you say that because I would sometimes look at coffee. Honestly, it's not 100%, but my gaydar went off a little bit and I was like so I mean, nothing is 100%. And I do want to be really mindful that these are conversations not about outing people, but about the fact that these things could exist and that we hear that they exist, but they are forced to suppress or they're forced to hide. And that's going to be a heavy forget the names, honestly. But that has to be a heavyweight, a heavy burden to carry. It is the worst. And like Jess, I say this with love in my heart. I say this as a queer black person. I'm not saying this as a heteronormative black person on the outside. Like, I am a black artist, queer person. I've kissed men. I've been intimate with men. And I wish that hip hop would be mature enough to discuss this. Another reason I say this is because Elton John has been out since 1981. Katie Lang with White Musician there are so many queer white musicians that are just out and in the mainstream and rich and accepted and Freddie Mercury, long time ago. But a lot of black artists don't have the free. And it's not like black people can't even whether it's like hip hop or it's external or internal forces doing the suppression, somebody is doing it and perpetuating it. And it's 2022 and people should be out by now. This one interesting thought. Like little Nas X is one of the very first hip hop artists of all time to kind of come out. And I recently thought I saw him in Show it's fucking magnificent show. He's a superstar beyond belief. He's made me cry. I fucking love that young man. I wish I could kiss him straight up, but I just thought he blew up so fast that he kind of surpassed hip hop and went straight to pop. He's not really like he's so big. He's just a pop star now. So I just like he kind of was accepted by hip hop, but he also was just so big that it's beyond he's just pop now. So there's so many conversations and so much progress. I don't mean to out anybody. I want to work with these artists. Anybody that I say is gay, I say it with love and not no disrespect if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. It's like somebody calling me to be like, how do you look? You look like you're trini. You'd be like, you know what? I'm not Trinity. I'm actually Jamaican. But I take no disrespect if you were to call me Trini, well, you're the only Jamaican who would ever say that. So good.

Participant #1:
Me. You're going to get some training messages coming in. So when we talk about this and we talk about kind of there's a lot of talk around querying relationships and querying sexuality, and that doesn't mean everybody needs to be gay. That doesn't mean everybody has to have sexual relationships with people of all genders. But there's this piece around opening up and just being open to love, being open to pleasure. And even today, in spaces that I expect to be very progressive, we see so much homophobia. Like, you talk about, for example, in hip hop, people not being able to come out. But in porn, in mainstream porn, I'm sorry, we still see this expectation that CIS women ought to be by and men need to be straight. Like, it's an entirely separate, what you call genre of porn for gay porn. So if we go back to the messaging around porn, how do we open up our minds? Like, whether you're in porn or you're a regular nonporn performer. And I shouldn't say regular because we're all regular. We're all just average. Yes, I got average days. All of mine is pretty average. What do we do to open our minds? Like, what is your best sex advice for everyone out there? Sex and relationships, love, all of that. How do we open our capacity? Thank you for asking that. And then being for humanizing, a very difficult process. I would say live in the moment the very best you can. So many people are like, oh, I was harder when I was in my teens, or some guys, my best physical self was me and my high school. Or women are like, oh, I'm past 40, so I can't be beautiful anymore. I'm in my menopause era, so whatever. It's just people like, either whether you're being like, I'm not old enough or I'm not strong enough, or I'm too this or I'm not enough that, all of that is just self sabotage in a way. And I always tell people, every single body is a porn star in secrets. Everybody's got a secret trick. Everyone's got a secret pleasure or passion. Everyone's got something that they can bring to the bedroom. You could be £600 or whatever. There's somebody that wants that body. You can be like, oh, I'm not attractive in the traditional Vogue magazine mainstream porn identity aesthetic. Okay, yeah, sure. But that doesn't mean that you can't have sex, and that doesn't mean that there aren't people that aren't attracted to your body. You might have to. And a ton of people. There are a ton of people. Obviously you've been with many people. You do it for a living. And I'm sure you can attest to the fact that Vogue magazine, Men's Health magazine, that is not what attracts you to people. That is not what brings pleasure. Not at all. And one of the reasons that I do a lot of my work, the focus of me in my later, right now, is trying to get beautiful people to admit that their ego is not satisfying them in the bedroom or satisfying their heart. Because just because you're a beautiful and you have tons of followers on Instagram, you can have tons of social media followers. That's great. You have like a small cult following religion of people that want to or blowing up your inbox or whatever.

Does that mean that you're making good love? Does that mean you're having good relationships? Does that mean that you're not lonely every Friday or Saturday night? I know lots of beautiful people who really don't have good relationships, don't have good sexuality, and really are alone and really are, like, selfish. Not selfish, but lonely. And they can be selfish, but some of them are just like, you know what? It looks like I'm popular, but my heart is alone, and my desires and needs are not being met. Even though I have lots of attention, I got social media out the ass, but I'm still heartbroken and lonely. I really want to get that illusion. I like that, that we have to get comfortable in our skin and feel comfortable and feel really worthy. And that's what I think that you do in your work. I know that we've kind of jumped all over the place, but bringing love into porn, bringing love into sex ed, bringing love into hip hop, bringing love kind of everywhere you go, and I don't know if that sounds cliche to people, but I know that that's where you lead from. I know that it's so heartcentered, and I just want to shout out the fact that you also do love coaching. Like you do short sessions of just 30 minutes. If people want to continue this conversation with you, I'm going to recommend they head on over to Malcolmlovejoy.com, check out Lovecoaching What's the Porn Star Experience before I let you go. Oh, bless your heart. Well, it's for those who see the more extreme positions in porn and more and more adventurous ideas and stuff and be like, you know what? I'm feeling up to the challenge today. I don't want just roses and a massage and a bubble bath and some nice kisses. Like, maybe we can do flying angel in reverse cowgirl today. Maybe we can try to get nine positions in. I love that. I love that. And it's for hire. So you're getting it from a professional. You're also getting it not from a professional who is good at sex. Sure, you can be good at it, but also who really cares and has that human connection, the empathetic side. So you have massage services, cuddling services, the boyfriend experience, the porn star experience and love coaching. So people do check it out. Malcolmlovejoy.com and I just want to show to Malcolm because when you meet Malcolm, you can't not like Malcolm. He's great. He's got the biggest smile. He's just the nicest person. And you know what? You engage and people I gravitate towards you when we met and we talked and when I see you again, I'm like, oh, hey, man, what's up? You can't not like Malcolm even when years pass. So thank you so much for being with us today. Malcolm so appreciated. Brandon and Jess, you are like sex, work, family. I love you all. You all are beautiful and wonderful and brilliant and it was such a pleasure to see you again. I'm so happy we got to do this. I thank you so much for all of this conversation. And Jessica, for real, love is the center of my being. I'm a sacred worshiper of women and humanity and love and romance. Honestly, if it said goddess worshiper or sacred horror on my grave and that's all it said, I would be happy. In some ways, that's really who I am. Put it in the will. Put it in the will. You can do that. Everybody should have a will. That's a different conversation. All right, we have to stop. Thank you so much for your time. Thanks, babe for chatting. Thank you. Thank you for listening. Folks, a quick reminder. We've got one more week. Happys.com. The courses are on sale. It's ending this week. 25% off with code podcast. We have the mindful sex course, the mind blowing oral course and the premature ejaculation last longer. Embed course happiercouples.com. We'll be back next week. Thanks so much, folks. You're listening the sex with Dr. Jess podcast. Improve your sex life. Improve your life.