What We Fight About & 3 Ways We Resolve Arguments

Happier Couples

What We Fight About & 3 Ways We Resolve Arguments

40:27

 

In this episode, we talk about a fight we had the other day and our top three strategies for resolving conflict in our marriage. We also discuss Airpod sex, Canadian open relationships & millennial marriage with reference to two recent studies.

***Please find a rough version of this transcript below.***

Welcome!

We had a short fight about pretty much nothing last weekend and it reminded me that I had committed to talking about how we resolve arguments, so today we’ll be talking about our arguments and how we resolve them.

But first. A new study suggests that 20 percent of people with AirPods wear them during sex…

And a Canadian study is on my radar today too. Researchers from the University of British Columbia looked at data from a nationally representative survey of about 2,000 Canadian adults. They found that four per cent of those in relationships reported being in an open relationship, while 20 percent reported having been in an open relationship in the past. Meanwhile, more than one in ten (12 percent) reported that open relationships were their "ideal relationship type.” Does this surprise you?

And I also want to mention another study suggesting that millennials are giving up a big milestone in order to save for a home. They’re skipping marriage because of the cost of real estate. Rather than buying an engagement ring and spending tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding, they’re skipping the wedding and saving for a house.

But here’s the thing: a wedding doesn’t have to cost you tens of thousands of dollars. You can save for a house and get married if you want to if you stop making your wedding a financially burdensome affair.

If you think the institution of marriage is outdated, I hear you. And you don’t have to get married. But if you want to get married and you’re avoiding it because of the costs, just remember that a wedding doesn’t have to break the bank.

And as I said last week, please stop planning your weddings and start planning your marriages. If you think planning a wedding is stressful or you find it overwhelming, you’re probably going to find a lifetime of commitment, cohabitation, cultivating intimacy and possibly co-parenting even more overwhelming, so forget the menu and the flowers and the napkins and the seating arrangements and redirect that energy into talking to your partner about how you plan to spend money for the rest of your life, how you plan to integrate your families in your lives, how you plan to have kids if that’s in the plans and how you plan to have sex potentially with only one person until death do you part.

Now back to the matter at hand or the one I’m avoiding — our fights and arguments. Over the weekend, we were in Montreal and we got into a tiff on Saturday afternoon over pretty much nothing. If I tell the story it’s going to sound ridiculous. So I’m going to try to tell it.

1. We admit when crankiness is to blame. Sometimes arguments are about nothing. They’re not indicative of an underlying issue. They’re not intended to move the relationship forward and improve understanding.

They’re simply a result of a mad mood or a lack of patience. And it can be hard when you know you’re the one at fault to step back and say mea culpa. It can feel overwhelming to take responsibility when you’re physiologically flooded and you’ve been diving in for the past ten minutes about some ridiculous issue. In fact, it can feel ridiculous to backpedal after you’ve been trying to prove a point or show just how right you are and admit that everything you said makes no sense at all and you’re sorry.

This only works if your partner isn’t in it to win it. If you have a partner you is focused on winning an argument or being right, you’re not going to want to stop and say, “Yeah...I’m sorry. I’m being unreasonable. Forgive me.”

You need a partner who’s willing to look past your temporarily irrational behaviour and see the big picture and say “I get it.”

This doesn’t mean your behaviour is excused. But it’s understood. It’s not okay to lash out. You need to apologize. And hopefully you have a partner who is willing to let it go not because they excuse your behaviour but because they understand it.

Maybe you’re cranky because you’re tired or hungry or just worn out from all the emotional labor you do on a daily basis. And so they understand. Maybe you’re hormonal. If you can admit it and you have a partner who is willing to let it slide sometimes and accept that you’re human and imperfect, you can resolve so many of your arguments without hours of bashing things out.

2. Sometimes, of course, you will have to hash things out. Sometimes, you will have to talk about the underlying feelings, fears and insecurities. You’ll have to have uncomfortable conversations and admit to ongoing frustrations, anger, sadness, neediness and resentment. We’ve had many of these hashing-out arguments and conversations over the years. Some have been calm and some have been more explosive and most go up and down. You think you’re coming to the end and then bam there is another curveball.

But when we have these conversations, I try to stay focused on three things:

1. I want to express why I’m upset.

2. I want to tell you want I’m asking for.

3. I try to admit my part and what I can do to address #1 (why I’m upset).

I wish that I could reverse the order of number two and three so that I would take responsibility first and I’m work working on it.

3. So we resolve arguments by admitting that they’re about nothing more than a bad mood. We resolve arguments by talking about what’s bothering us, what we want from the other and what we’re willing to do ourselves. And then I’d say that a good chunk of our arguments are resolved with something really simple and really easy - something anyone can do if you let go of your ego and get over the need to win, prove your point or be right. And Brandon taught me this from the very beginning of our relationship. You resolve arguments with physical touch. You simply come over and touch me. You hold me.

This won’t work for everyone, but it works for us. And it’s not some sort of magic touch. It’s really the willingness to push through the anger, push through the hurt, push through the need to be right and simply touch because you care.

Benefits of touch: lowering cortisol levels to reduce stress, improved sleep which enhances mood, energy, rational thought, cognitive function, feelings of closeness and relaxation,

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

What We Fight About & 3 Ways We Resolve Arguments

00:00:05 - 00:40:00

you're listening to the sex with doctor jack podcast sex and relationship advice you can years tonight welcome to the sex with doctor just podcast i'm your co host branded where i'm here just so riley you are i mean either had sexologist and were both here today day despite the fact that we had a little fight really about nothing last weekend and it was a reminder to me that i had committed talking about what we fight about how we resolve are arguments so today that will be are focus what were fighting about an hour a specific strategies for conflict resolution before we go there i wanna ask you about this brennan because you have been through several air pod or earphone sagas over the last couple of years and a new study suggests that twenty percent of people with air pods those little wireless earphones wear them during sex really i'm very surprised by that would have been listening to a little bob tragically have really i dunno canadian of you are you familiar with the silent disco of course in brooklyn nine nine terry crews okay so the silent disco you go to a disco such a funny word but you go to a club and they're playing music and there's off they're often multiple dj so for instance you might have three different d jays who are battling an everybody is wearing headsets and so you could switch the channel vr headset to choose the dj of you're liking an oftentimes it's a battle so you might see that i'm on dj with a little light read and i might see the iran green and you look like you're driven to a different beaten it looks kind of good so i might switch to green and then you know by the end of the night or at a specific time one of those pj's tryouts as the one with the most people on their channel and then that's not how it works sometimes it's just a silent disco so the groove and have a good time and it doesn't disturb everyone else so i picture picture my air pods being set to like some lovers rock reggae your is being set to i don't know what's your favorite music these days i listened to everything okay you know i've been listening to some weezer know something with the base oh vase okay you know what i'm listening to you just need to see me group to the big trouble fringes bragging that he thinks he can prove to the base not the trouble any action can he's got he kentucky is what first attracted me to brandon was how he buggies so i picture i'm listening to one thing you're listening to another are hits they're not gonna drive during sex if were listening to different music no i wanna bring some people on a were air pods during sex because i wanna know what you're listening to and you've had some strategy tragedies with these these wireless headsets in the past i did i had an epic a story in the polls notes is i ordered this german engineered and designed wireless you're pods that or air pods earbud that worked in the water for swimming or on land for training after much research they were delivered i walked out of my house like a slow motion replay in a movie one fellow to my you're in i chased it into the drain the sewer drain down the street from are house and i was on my hands and knees crawling after it as it fell in in yes that the gun the six month saga to try and get them fixed right so he ordered another one and then it wouldn't care but the other one and it was this is just this whole thing but just kept costing you money like piling money into a car and you never got to wear those air pods or whatever they're called now you have air pods you don't wear them during sex thank goodness because given erected they just fall that unworthy air pods i just wear white sox white sox during sex socks and sandals yeah that's it but i think very much in style right now the white sox with the slip on rubber sandals can't get behind the this just not my gym for me i dunno you're saying it in a way you're like if you wanna wear that you can wear that jazz i'm new york in somebody else's you not even there sock you know all right so air pause during sex guarantee you let us know and then another study is on my radar today this is really interesting to me researchers from the university of british columbia examined datta from a nationally representative survey of canadians two thousand adults and they found that four four percent of those who are in relationships right now are in an open relationship four percent twenty percent have been in an open relationship in the past so one in five that's in line with some american datta in more more than one in ten a total of twelve percent report that an open relationship is their ideal relationship type so twelve percent identify as most strongly inclined being in an open relationship set is that's why he did it does surprise me it surprised me the number of people not there in open relationships that i have been at some point because i think most people would be surprised i think the one in five have been in an open relationship and a i also wonder about the age range of that a steady because i'm curious as to whether or not it's tilted more heavily in favor of younger younger demographic that is more open or receptive to alternative types of relationships that will stand the test of time perhaps or help stand the test of time well said these canadians first of all these canadian so they're not just people folks there between eighteen andy age of ninety four so about half men and women end over half of them fifty five percent were married or living with a romantic partner so dream to ninety four and if if if fifty d five percent of them are married any average age of marriages i think around thirty one for women and thirty three four men were not talking about twenty two year olds here so be a thirty plus year old splitter open types of religion i mean maybe there's more excessive ability if they're in a home and they're living in a community it's just more logistically plausible they don't have to raise children because i mean being in polyamorous relationship for example work and you know we used different language when we say open relationship where we're talking about is consensually truly non monogamous relationship it is logistically challenging and there are additional responsibilities of course there are additional source of support but i think it might get easier as you get into you're seventies and eighties and perhaps your responsibilities are so connecting that's what i was gonna say sure responsibilities and i've heard that the dating scene for people not people who were living those active retirement homes is quite a busy who's telling me that it can get like there's a lot going on it's a what is that was a tv show nine o two one o m there is the one in the nineties where they all living in beverly hills oh when they nobody admits seeing melrose melrose yeah you have to take a lie detector test to prove that you've never seen melrose place okay i think that's from seinfeld there from one of those shows so we're also talking about seinfeld and how for brandon and i were sort of in some ways i mean my agents sort of between generations but seinfeld you know i i didn't grow up watching seinfeld but i watched the reruns in every day of your life there is some sort of seinfeld reference but there's an entire generation now who hasn't seen seinfeld so i'm hoping netflix will pick up seinfeld so that not only can we rewatch them but so that younger folks will say i be able to make the references about the pretzels making them thirsty or you know i saw this yesterday in the sink and it was packaged refused to leave and i immediately thought you see the jury exactly and so is this next generation not gonna know about seinfeld references and if that's the case what is are seinfeld because i was thinking that is brooklyn nine nine brooklyn nine nine maybe even be office okay they office yeah and i think of like my younger cousin who's eighteen years old she she watched the office on netflix but i i like i was thinking brooklyn nine nine but i think one of the challenges of courses that there's more programming than ever because of the way we stream it and so you don't have the same concentration where part of why we watch seinfeld was it wasn't the only thing on at the time they played it at you know i dunno six o'clock at night when you got home from school and then when when you and i were older and working in the bar is i think they played it at like two in the morning brooklyn nine nine is great not just because i liked the show but also the representation in the different types of relationships and people in that show are more reflective of i think what people are looking for in television today is great they're getting they're slowly early yeah hopefully they're getting they're all right so one more study i wanna quickly talk about as i procrastinate talking about are fight your phone my life i myself i study suggests that millennials are giving up a big milestone in order to save for a home they are skipping giving a marriage because the because of the cost of real estate so you're in real estate i m b average price of a home in toronto right now single family home let's just say a lot i mean it's almost a almost a million dollars in the downtown core and i'm being very conservative with my expectations were trying to buy low rise home right and so it is really challenging to buy a home in their skipping marriage because of the cost because you know with marriage comes the cost of an engagement ring and spending tens of thousands of dollars on a wedding and so they're skipping the wedding safer house and i just went off the reminder that wedding doesn't have to cost you tens of thousands of dollars you can get married without buying an engagement mentoring you safer has an have a wedding if you you know stop making your wedding financially burdensome affair now if you think the institution of marriage is outdated i hear you and if that's why you don't wanna get married i think that's a really good choice for yourself but if you do wanna get married and you're only avoiding at the cause of the costs just remember that a wedding doesn't have to break the bank an i was actually on the global morning show here in canada talking about this financial stress a wedding adding not only on the couple but on the bridesmaids the groomsmen end about a third of wedding party participants report the financials trains of the wedding costs tension in strain between them in their friend that being the bride and groom a thirty seven percent have declined being in a wedding party because it'd be associated costs it seems anti continues to be up so not only do you have to buy the shoes or rent the talks get the dress us but you may have to host an event if there is a bachelor party or bachelorette they're oftentimes out of town which could be hundreds or thousands of dollars end we were talking about you know what what is a fair expectation and i think there is no standard fare expectation but the reason i think most people run into conflict is that they have secret expectations they have expectations of their friends but they don't say it out loud out they don't say hey i'd love for you to be in my wedding party and just so you know that will entail a bachelor party in miami and engagement party you know someplace else a pre wedding lunch a you know a five hundred dollars for attire aunt i'd like you to help hosted this or that they don't say those things we have these secret expectations and then we get frustrated when people don't meet them but nobody can meet your expectations unless you're clear about it i'm surprised at how like you said anti husband it's been up because i when i reflect back on when we got married really been married for thirteen just over thirteen years and even then i mean my friend my my best man who through the my a certain my stag it was a nato we went drinking we went and played i think we played paintball probably gonna shoot everybody would paint balls and that was kind of it had a great time but now you're right you're going to miami you're hosting a party in advance it just seems it's a much more expensive endeavor and that's fine if you're comfortable with that but you can expect your expectations to be met by everybody else and you have to remember this is your wedding this is not somebody else's wedding so i i do think sometimes expectations are eighty two high be just not clearly communicated right and so remember that money is not a measure of the relationship just because i don't want to invest x dollars into a specific event doesn't mean i don't care about you end because i was reading all the different wedding boards and doing research for that story for global end not only do weddings put a strain on relationships with out the financial commitment but so many people in the wedding parties are no longer friends with the bride and groom after sometimes you know life happens and you go your separate ways but oftentimes it's the cause of conflict rooted in the wedding i was reading stories about a brother who is the best man during his speech for his brother's wedding got engaged on stage age and so that caused arrest or stealing the thunder yeah i yeah so i mean i guess everybody will have a different opinion on that i was reading one where a mother took a couple of the wedding cash on the little i am telling you don't wanna say anything nope nope we we've got her own story but we're not we're not gonna bring that up so you know as i said last me at last week please stop planning you're weddings and start planning you're marriages if you think planning a wedding is stressful stressful you're probably gonna find a lifetime commitment cohabitation cultivating intimacy and possibly coparenting if that's what you plan to do even way more overwhelming so forget the menu forget the flowers forget the napkins skins don't worry about the seating arrangements and rita directed energy into talking to your partner about how you plan to spend you're live how do you plan to spend your money how do you plan to integrate you're families you're inlaws and she realized how do you plan to raise kids if you plan on doing that how do you plan to have sex potentially with only one person until death do you part if you're part of that eighty eight percent for whom an open relationship is not ideal format they're gonna wear earplugs josh how they're gonna lose answer is yes sir all right so i've been putting it off but let's go to the matter at hand the one that i've been avoiding our fights and our our arguments i mentioned over the weekend we got into a tiff on saturday afternoon and we were in montreal through the weekend it was the canada day long weekend am had a really lovely weekend in montreal if you've never been to montreal it's a nice kind of blend who is obviously it's in canada but a strong european influenced and we spent most of her time walking around the neighborhoods the cafes and enjoying their food markets in brennan i gotta ask you even remember do you remember what we were fighting about on saturday thinking that i don't remember what we were arguing about and i i do this though is soon as we get into an argument i feel guy get flooded and i can't even remember what we started arguing about so if you're not in the middle of arguments is thinking about what he's thinking that i'm thinking about air pods and what i'm gonna listen to next no i'm often times probably trying to think about a few things being raped a catching myself about how i'm trying to be right in recognizing that i shouldn't be focused on that it sometimes my thought process is totally counterproductive i also have the feeling you can correct me if i'm wrong date you're thinking about making sure i'm not upset it yeah oh definitely that's the first thing i think about is that absolving myself of its responsibility end in the heat of the moment because i know that that's my default would i go to catching myself an you know moving forward constructively could be a very difficult thing to do in on top of all that i am moody moody dude we're actually gonna i wanna talk about that a should i tell the story of 'cause i do remember what we're fighting about i'm glad i'm glad somebody remembers end if i tell the story it's gonna sound ridiculous because it's it's so ridiculous i'm i'm gonna try and tell it so we're walking home after a long long day in a were were walking back to the hotel and i was gonna go into a store oh you to try on a dress and i kind of stepped in and you didn't come in and you said you know what i'm just gonna wait out here and then i said oh you know what forget it i'm not even gonna go and so you thought i was upset that you didn't come in and then i got upset because you were accusing and then we're kind of you know quiet on the walk home it wasn't very far from there in so i was really frustrated because i was frustrated because i just didn't really care about trying on the stress and off he doesn't feel like coming in it's kind of a good reason for me not to go in and i'm not a big shopper and i definitely don't like trying things on so you're not coming in just in courage mean not to go in but you thought that i was upset that you weren't coming in and so then i was frustrated because i was thinking oh my god why do i always have to be a hundred percent why why do i have to i dunno make sure the he's fine and then you were thinking like oh well why do i have to check in on her why does why do i need to come with her why does she need me by her side and neither of those things was even true basically i don't really care about trying on the stress and it's like oh i there is dress in the window by the way i probably wasn't gonna buy it from a brand i don't really shop at an debt anyhow we we were just i think tired end we solved it by talking that time so we you know i was talking about how i felt that you were accusing me of being upset and how i think sometimes you're paranoid which is on nice word but that's what i said at that that i'm not okay and you're not okay unless i'm okay and that's a lot of pressure on me i would agree i also would like to blame the bartender for pouring me a very large manhattan that i had consumed rape before we got interview argument and it's not that i was drunk now but i do find it if i let's be honest it was a big drink montreal sized drain yes he only had one track but you're not really a drinker i forgot about the manhattan yeah it was a cup of booze like a large cup so i consumed it felt fine like i said before i could be a little moody an we went outside got into the argument but again i'm gonna blame the bartender from porn that big big drink i get argumentative when i drink i totally forgot about that and it again brennan you don't drink like you don't know another major so me definitely i mean that's that's a different story but you had one drink i forgot you get a little edgy you're not caress says end you don't notice that you're drunk but could you only have the one drink you really like the beginning of this one drink for five shots oh come on robot shoes a large cup of may not anyway delicious so we ended up resolving it and enjoying the evening andy didn't take too long but it you know it wasn't a thirty second resolve so we wanna talk about the three ways i was reflecting upon how we resolve arguments and disagreements and three approaches that we take so the first besides blamed the bartender and of course they we talked about it being drunk obviously is not unexcused reporter behavior and you were you were drunk so i wouldn't say on edge but number one and this is such a big deal and i think this is tresses more than fifty percent of our arguments and oftentimes nips them in the bud before they start we admit when were cranky frankie we admit when moody nece is to blame so sometimes arguments are about nothing they're not indicative of an underlying issue they're not intended to move the relationship forward you don't need to have them to improve understanding because they are simply or result all of a bad mood or you know being worn out or lack of patience and it can be hard to know that you're the one at fault and to just step back and say mayor culpa and it can feel i think overwhelming to take responsibility when you're physiologically flooded when you're worked out and when you've been maybe diving into this argument for ten fifteen twenty minutes about some ridiculous issue in any conceal ridiculous to backpedal after you've been trying to prove a point or show how great you are in it it could be really difficult say rule k yeah i admit everything i said doesn't really make sense and i'm sorry because i'm i brought my bad mood into this scenario it's not about you it's not about the relationship is not even about the issue at hand i'm just having a bad day or you know i'm feeling hormonal in my case end to save mayor culpa the only really works if you're a partner is not in it to win it if you have a partner is who is focused on winning argument or being right you're not gonna wanna stop and say oh okay yeah i'm sorry i'm being unreasonable reasonable please forgive me you need a partner who's willing to look past your temporarily irrational behavior and see the big picture and say yeah i get it now this doesn't mean you're behaviors excused it doesn't mean that i'm okay with you acting any way you want but it's not excuse it but i understand it so it's not okay to lash out of course you have to apologize and i have to do this all the time and hopefully have a partner who is willing to let it go not because they excuse you're behavior but because they understand it you know maybe they understand you're cranky because you're tired or hungary or worn out from all these emotional labor you do on a daily basis and so they don't excused you're behavior but they understand it maybe as you as i said you know i get hormonal during you know on on saturday to it was i was pre minstrel so it was kind of this concoction of shows i think it hormonal is well end so if i can admit to it and i have a partner like you who's willing to let it slide sometimes unaccept you know i'm human i'm in perfect i screw up you could resolve so many of you're arguments with out hours of hashing shing things out and so that's the number one way i would say we overcome tests and arguments disagreements and conflict is that were like oh man yeah i can't stop and say i'm being unreasonable now if i were to call you out for being unreasonable or you were the call me out i don't think it would go smoothly but when you call yourself out and you've got a partner who isn't gonna judge you isn't gonna say i told you so isn't gonna say yeah that's why i'm right i would ride again when you started this this is on you and i'm not saying we never do that like where human and we can be jerks sometimes but that that would be the number one way i think we resolve issues and you were talking ashley on the weekend we weren't fighting we were just on a walk and you were talking about how you're more moody nudie lately i am or moody i've been moody for months and i think the difficulty is is some of us perhaps people that are listening have to put up a not a facade but you have to put on a front because you don't wanna share you're moody mr how you're feeling with other people you don't want them to know i'm i tend to be more private i don't want people don't know if i'm not feeling great reviewer with myself so when i'm out it's i'm almost almost feel like i'm acting sometimes so when i come home and i can be myself i might go back to that moody feeling that i was that i i've been feeling the entire day but he gets dumped in this relationship which can be really hurt you know i did the same thing that has my job buffing requires me to be a an energetic unhappy in funny in you know i i liked entertain and i like to have a good time and then sometimes i come home and i i just don't wanna talk to anyone i don't i don't even want small talk i don't wanna you me sometimes how one event one and i don't even wanna talk about it i just wanna sit and be quiet and rest my voice and rest my mind and i think that's probably talked about this before sometimes i know i come home from a business trip for example maybe given five or six speech as an i have nothing left for you and that's also not fair so i have to schedule my time so that not only do i have positive energy left for you but also for myself but i also understand where you're coming from when you come home and that you need that break and i i get it if you don't wanna talk to me i don't take it personally i know you've expressed to me how you feel and i moved forward but i could tell you how my when we get into an argument d exact path and i'm gonna take and i have to fight it to stop it from happening when i reflect back on that argument that we had on the weekend it was something happened to initiate it whether whatever it was i would probably say something that doesn't make sense or the justifies my position which in this case was wrong and you do not like to i don't think it's that you don't like to be wrong you are 'em at all you you don't wanna be at fault 'cause you never wanna be responsible for making me feel bad like in some ways i find it benevolent but that doesn't make it any less tiresome so anyway something goes wrong i usually try to absolve myself of responsibility that let me be accompanied by stupid or statements that lack any sort of 'em validity tight usually realize that my statements lack that validity or or context and and i feel like i've invested so then i tried to defend them and then after a few minutes i realise the statements that i made were stupid or that they were incorrect and that's when i catch myself after a few minutes and i'm like okay i'm wrong and i do it's really hard but i do at all eventually say you know assuming that i have done this i'm wrong i wanna move for i wanna fix this i'm sorry or you what i said was incorrect and then and then things tend to get more 'em more positive in any argument would you agree yeah and then sometimes on stubborn sometimes you'll do that and i'll be so pissed off over what just happened that'll be like routes to and i don't see it in those words but all china argue my point more and want you to see my perspective even though you've just told me that you acknowledge it i want you to tell me harder so i i think i can be to demanding at times in that that's what happens when you're worked up when you're angry when you're sad when you feel threatened when you feel hurt when you feel frustrated or as we said we were just more moody be an i get snappy yesterday i was snappy having really having a kind of a a bad period day and i could feel myself getting snappy and i remember something to upstairs and then coming and sitting on your lap and apologizing because i knew i was wrong and you're you're speed about it you're not like yeah you shouldn't have done that or yes see you you understand and it's not again it's not that my behavior is excused it's that you show understanding and i think that's what makes the willingness to admit that perhaps you're moody or perhaps you're just cranky that's what makes that willingness to admitted diffused entire situation in our relationship i don't think the digging in his ever really accomplish what other one of us wants to accomplish of course end you're gonna have you're moments i have my moments where i wanna be right where i want you to see my perspective where i want you to meant to wrongdoing and so i i realized after that yeah that doesn't really do much i think in the heat of the moment what i feel is that i wanna be heard i wanna be understood but really i think part of that is a a veil for wanting to be right and so cranking nassar admitting that you're wrong in the manner that you know you're fighting about nothing is is one way we resolve i'd say about half of her arguments in they don't really become make arguments because of that but sometimes you do have to hash things out sometimes we have to talk about the underlying feeling spears insecurities we have to have uncomfortable conversations and we have to admit when were feeling ongoing frustration and anger sadness neediness and even if we feel resentment building and we've had over the years so many of these more hashing out arguments conversations and some of them kind of com in productive and some of them more explosive and i'd say most of them go up and down where you think you're coming did he end resolve things and then bam there's like another curveball but when we have these conversations i was reflecting back on a few of them in and how they how the ones that work work i i kind of identify these three elements the first is that you know you express why you're upset at the second is that i tell us i'll speak for myself so i tell why am i say tell you what's really bugging me and then i tell you what i want right here's what i'm asking for and then and only then i tried to admit my part in how like an address the first part so here's how i can address whatever is bothering me and i wish they could reverse the order of number two in three so that i would take responsibility first and i and i'm kind of working on this so to recap here's why i'm upset here's here's what i want from you here's what i'm willing to do and i wish i could kind of bring i work on bringing that here's what i'm willing to do to the top because it's so disarming an i do notice that when we are in a tense conversation or struggling with conflict when one of us says oh yeah i admit i'm sorry 'cause they other day i remember any argument you said you didn't like something i had said to you and i can't remember specifically what it was her the way i had said it had seemed 'em really really hurtful or condescending and so immediately i caught it and i said yeah you know what you're right i'm really sorry for doing that and sometimes i wonder if i stop and i'm willing to apologize in the moment just because i know somebody's gotta do it now you're really good at this let me be clear it's not like i'm always the first do it all it does but i do think as soon as one person says yeah i am really story even if it's four nothing even if it's the smallest thing for a tone fertile language or not even the real core issue it disarm see other person and they're like oh this isn't that battle this isn't a fight this is us collaborating in a really intense way to find a solution because where a team i think that's the key variable for me or the key factors were trying to collaborate now in the heat of the moment i don't feel that way in the heat of the moment i'm angry or i'm upset but i also think you and i don't it's not i certainly have to catch myself i don't ever wanna go back i like if you've heard me i wanna hurt you back don't wanna do that but what i find is that i i tend to fixate on the problem and it takes me a few minutes to think about okay chill out think about what the root issues sheer fix it and focus on that rather than how i'm angry about something that you've set right i think about okay were arguing don't get upset about something that was said but that doesn't address the root issues so what do we fighting about we were fighting the other day because i didn't 'em i i'm i thought you were upset because i stopped you from going into that store which in fact i didn't use the route issue in that argument or part of it will certainly that you have be attended the ten all the time in this relationship and that i was also wrong unassuming stopping you from going into that store so i ended up getting upset about everything else kind of blowing a gasket and it was only when i had kind of calm down a few minutes later that i realize okay let's get back to the issue at hand yeah this is the problem i'm sorry apologized for how i said you know things that didn't make any sense or whatever move on and you had even said there were something something disarming abou what you're partners showed words we wanna work i wanna try make this better yeah and and i mean i'd have to take some responsibility for that argument to because i think like i said i was testy i was in a mood 'em i i kind of overreacted whereas like oh god like why do i have to reassure him that everything's right but maybe you weren't even asking for that maybe i could have just said hey it's not a big deal from the gecko so i mean it wasn't just on you but i do think that that the conversation ten flows in the here's why i'm upset here's what i want you to do and here's what i'm willing to do and i think if when we have those three components 'cause we don't know when we kind of follow that formula nfl train herself to naturally followed that formula we we end up with more positive outcome in debt and there's a third thing i wanna bring up before we go so sometimes it's about admitting you're cranky and just letting they're gonna go sometimes it's about hashing it out with those kind of three steps for us i'm not saying this is how you should do and i'm saying that's how brandon and i do it and the third is physical touch an end it's really really simple and really easy and it's something anyone could do if you let go of your ego and get over the need to win or prove your point irby right and brand new you taught me this from the very beginning of our relationship you always come to me physically you come over and you touch me or you hold me or you you put your hand on me or you try and give me a hug even when i'm stubborn i'd like to talk to me and i i think it's because physical touch is you know one of perhaps you're primary love language which in some ways you you like to be touched and you like to touch he's putting a furry pillow right now as we speak and it won't work for everyone but it works for us and it's not a magic touch it's really just i think the reason it works for me is that you show a willingness to push through the anger to push through the hurt to push through the need to be right to let go of your ego and simply touch because you care because we have a special relationship that does involve touch end we know of course the benefits of touch in terms of lowering cortisol levels to reduce stress and when you touch you sleep better which is good freer mood you're energy in your cognitive function we know that when you touch you feel closer you feel more cooperative you trust more you feel more relaxed so there's the chemicals component but there's also the subjective component to me that is a reminder from you that whatever's going on you just you care about me i do and it's not easy sometimes i don't know why i naturally richard i know what i always try to push through even when i'm irritated i always want to fix the problem because i know the defy just keep trying to find a resolution have a conversation that inevitably something good is going to come out of it but that simple gesture of trying to hold your hand or put my hand on his shoulder and you're back whatever goes a long way and i don't know where i learned that from but it's working if you like you there's a natural desire to be physically close because even when you're asleep if i rollover and any other site in the bed you roll after me georgia to heart and then a ruler i know and then i'm called man so i you know i thought we share are approach to how we resolved tension or how we east tension and resolve conflict and it's not necessarily going to be ores but those are are kind of three approaches and they're not oh is conscious conscious there were things that i've identified as i kind of look back and reflected upon how we manage tension end it may not i said as i said be or approach so i'm interested in your approach is definitely share them with us i wanna stop there when we talk about own relationship i feel i feel grounded but i also feel tires i find it really easy to talk about study isn't the answer other people's questions and gino provide insights based on what the research cezar even interview other people but talking about her own relationship is such an interesting experience for me because i went the first however many years of my career would never talking about us and soda to come out and share for me is challenging a book has i dunno it's a private part of her life and partly i wanna protect it and then there's also the self consciousness piece or you know and like oh do we sound like jerks people think oh fun therapeutic peutic maybe i'm i'm ignorant to the fact that people are listening in judging but i actually find that every time we have a conversation it gives me an opportunity to think back and i find it a positive 'em exercise really do 'cause i don't think that when i normally have an argument or a fight that i spend the time to have a conversation about what worked in with didn't end for me doing this allows me an opportunity think about okay the next time gonna do those three things in hopefully you argument gets a little bit easier easier to resolve so i guess it's a little bit of a public deeper don't judge me were gonna stop there i wanna say big thank you to desire resorts please check them out on instagram at desire experience they have multiple clothing optional resorts on the mind riviera as well as couples only clothing optional cruises in europe be sure to check