How to Get in the Mood for Sex

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In this quickie episode, we chat about the fact that our interest in sex has declined since the onset of social isolation. We discuss strategies for creating “responsive” sexual desire and managing distractions that detract from pleasure.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

How to Get in the Mood for Sex

00:00:05 - 00:05:04
You're listening to the Sex with Dr Jess podcast. Sex and relationship advice you can use tonight!

Welcome to the sex with Dr Jess quickey podcast I'm your co host Brandon. Here with my lovely other half Dr Jess.

Hey. I can hear that you're smiling in your voice. I mean I can see it but I'm glad that you can see me across the desk here.

I like the sound of it.

I'm glad that you like me smiling.

Yeah well I wanted to share some big news. We had sex yesterday.

Boom! Big News!

With each other

That was a key point. I had sex by myself.

That's okay too. That's cool too and you know it's not big news but I have found that I'm not in the mood for sex lately because

Of my hair.

No nothing to do with you. I actually love being home with you. Getting to admire you. You have your sleeves rolled up right.

Now it's nineteen ninety-four my sleeves rolled up.

I it's not about you. It's really just about my routine changing so significantly and I think I'm one of those like I. You know a nice lifestyle. That's high adrenaline very tiring. overworked usually and I love it. Like I love waking up after almost no sleep and catching a flight and being excited to meet New People. I love the risk of my job. Every time you get on stage you don't know if you're GONNA kill it or mess it up and so everything's changed because we're working from home and yeah. I don't find myself in the mood for sex so I wanted to talk about how to get in the mood for sex. When you're not in the mood for sex but you want to be in the mood for sex so to clarify. I'm not suggesting you should have sex when you're not in the mood unless you want to get yourself in the mood and you've probably heard me talk before about sexual desire falling into two experiences. One being spontaneous and the other being responsive so spontaneous sexual desire occurs when you worked at home all day. You've gone through the same routine you've been wearing the same jogging pants and the same shirt and your been hanging out with that same one person relevant to right then you watch some NetFlix and then spontaneously at the end of the day. You're like yeah I want the sex I can't wait to do the sex I'm GONNA get on Top. You know so that spontaneous sexual desire in for many people. That's not particularly realistic. However, we can always experience what we call not always but we have more opportunity to experience responsive sexual desire meaning that it doesn't occur spontaneously. But if you do something to get yourself physically aroused the mental or subjective part of it follows. So if you use a toy or if you fantasize or if you touch each other if you start kissing or if you think about the last time you had sex or you watch porn or you read a story. Whatever it is that turns you on you get turned on physically and then the mind remembers. Oh yeah man sex. I remember that thing that feels really good and so I've noticed that over the last few weeks since we've been home we have put ourselves in the mood for sex. We haven't really talked about it so I don't know if you're feeling the same thing but it seems like you want to have sex but it's a it's a slower build right now.

Yeah I mean. I've talked about this in the past on this podcast. I don't have a lot of that spontaneous sex desire and I think I am. I'm willing to admit that I'm not like I think a lot of men might admit to being which is sex hungry all the time where it's like. I want sex twenty four seven. I enjoy having sex with you. It's a lot of fun it satisfying but I also find that.

Sounds like a yelp reviews. I enjoyed the pizza. It was satisfying.

It was but in all seriousness. I find I'm often thinking about a lot of other things. Work uh work no work but I enjoy my work and I find that it's distracting and it's hard to just all of a sudden want it and then to think about me wanting it and you want to get at same time in us. Both being in the mood I mean making those two ships run parallel to each other and the stars aligned can be challenging so...

I only think it's challenging if you're waiting for spontaneous desire.

But that's what like if you're both waiting for that spontaneity to happen at the exact same moment so I I mean I would agree. I think right now. There isn't the same spontaneous sex happening here that there might have been before plus you're also home a lot more so maybe you're just seeing a whole lot lot of me and it's not as exciting as it was before because you were in and out of the country every four days.

Actually, that's really true. I do find that we would always have sex when we got together because it was going to be a few days before we could see each other again and now I know that I have you every day and so the economy of scarcity marketing.

It's out the window

00:05:04 - 00:10:01
No and I still want it like I don't So to be honest I don't like to go a long time without sex like I don't like to go a week without of it. I don't even like to go five days without it I also don't need every day or want it every day. Sometimes I do. I like one thing that happens for me. Is that if we have sex. I want sex again later that day. Like I'm reminded of how good it feels and I think you're the opposite.

I was just going to say. We're opposites in that in that respect where the more you have the more you want and for me. It's it's if I go a few days a handful of days and we haven't I wanted more whereas I feel like if I get my fill if you will then I'm okay.

Yeah I know it's always on day three. I know he's Gonna roll over in the morning. What are we four weeks?

Really?

Ffour weeks in this isolation and like right on time

Oh, that's you tracking! I didn't even know that. No, I'm just kidding.

But it can feel it coming and but I do notice that we are putting ourselves in the mood even though we haven't spoken about it and I was thinking that we could just talk a little bit about what we do to get in the mood. I think your more of a physical person in me. I could be wrong.

No I think you're right. I think I I really need to focus in on the physical element. I don't know if I need to focus in on the physical element first but I need to choose something and Mo- most importantly is to get relaxed. Because I think that if I take the time if I think about lying down and just thinking about it. I'll- I'll get in the mood if I like to touch myself or you know like the physical sensation of touch you. Then I'll I'll get in the mood.

Is that what you do while I'm in the shower? You just touch yourself. You're ready to go.

No I don't but my point is is if I were to take the time.

Your eyebrow went up. Were you lying?

But for me I think the underlying key here is is relaxation. And right now it's been very very difficult for the last month because there's been a lot of things for for everyone and again. I'm very privileged to have what I have. But there have been a lot of things happening that distract me from getting into that relaxation mode. So you are completely correct that it's I want to do it but I have to kind of force myself into a situation where I am relaxed to to want to do it.

Right. And there are a lot of distractions for US. Even though of course we're lucky because all of our basic needs are taken care of or more than basic right. We have a home. We have food, we have wine all the all the necessity but at the same time neither of us can really work right like I've had my bookings been cancelled. Um.. You know I've had to return deposits not had to but chosen to. You can't really.

I run a real estate company.

Yeah you can't sell

or advising. Are the realtors worked for us in our own clients not to do anything right now to meet to to reduce the spread.

Right? And so when you work for yourself. There's that added pressure um.. of just wondering how long this is gonna last so so you brought up a few things just to kind of summarize so number one is just to tune into the sensations the physical sensations. And I notice that you you really do that like you. It's nice to put your body up next to me. And um... just feel the the temperature. The pressure the texture the curves the contours. Like feel what you feel in your body and then arousal will often follow. Touch yourself of course that's an option. Reached down and give yourself a hand. You might reach for a toy you might fantasize you use fantasy to get yourself in the mood sometimes.

Yeah, sometimes. Listen I I am an equal opportunist. I'll do use whatever I need to to get myself going. And sometimes it is fantasy. Sometimes it is touch and sometimes it's just relaxation.

So over the last few weeks like can you tell me what you fantasize devote a little.

Depends on the day and putting me on the spot. I've thought about um... Threesomes I've thought about you. Honestly I've thought about different situations that we've been in...

Me doing the dishes?

You, yes some hot no in something or a big part of lately because our life it takes us in different directions is being somewhere and I think that being somewhere goes goes back to that underlying feeling which I need which is relaxation and from there. It's easier to get in to the mood.

Right so if we've got fantasy we've got touch. We've got something to relax or touch yourself. And then I think a big piece of it and something that I've had to learn is to move more slowly without pressure because oftentimes you and I are in a rush especially like if I'm literally passing through for the night we don't have time for long drawn out sessions and so we kind of just make it happen quickly and now that we do have the time and we have. It seems more distractions and honestly a little bit more distress than usual. We've I've had to kind of slow down and accept that you know my body takes more time to to get warmed up and sometimes it's just about the sensual touch and you know I do. Of course I should plug called mindful sex online. And I think it's a life changer.

00:10:01 - 00:15:01
Of course and it's twelve videos where we walk you through mindful exercises beginning with breathing and visualization and emotional presence and emotional mindfulness. And then we move onto these different touch activities. The hand cress and the facial cress and I found them really helpful. Just to start tuning into pleasure and slowing down before you even get to the sex so I think that what I've learned over the last few weeks is that if I WANNA get in the mood for sex. I need to slow down. I need to not expect our bodies to respond immediately and give it a few minutes and kind of enjoy it and I'm not saying that it for me for example it's not ten or fifteen minutes but I'm a how do I say

I always thought we were just timing everything based on the window that we had with your dad being asleep

Yes, this is true this is true. Gotta get it in fast. No but I I don't tend to need a lot of time for most things right. I'm not a very slow moving person. Is that a fair way.

I would agree with that statement wholeheartedly.

And I'm trying to slow things down. So that's been a big thing for me and then the last piece for me is also accepting that sometimes you can just enjoy the pleasure of touch for the pleasure of being together and not have sex and I do find that. I'm very physically drawn to you right now. I Wanna be near you and held by you and hug you and touch you and feel your hands on me in a non sexual way but I do find that the days when we take the time to do that. Even though we're working from home I find that I'd uh be more open to sex later at night.

I find that I I would agree with you and I. I also just think that I tend to get in my own head like I've noticed right. Now with all the distractions and everything. That's going on that. Even as I start to get in the mood I allow myself to drift and I really need to focus back in so those mindful sex practices that you just made reference to an end again. I I realize it's a plug have really done huge things.

I should say where it is at HappierCouples.com, the mindful sex course. But can you tell me how you bring yourself back when you get into your head?

Well, uh... Oftentimes because I'm I'm afraid of physical sensation. Am I going to am? I going to be able to maintain what I'm doing And then I start snowballing from there I have to just think about the sensation like I literally just have to think about how I'm feeling it's that idea of grounding yourself. You know when they say if you're having that anxiety you put your feet on the ground. Wiggle your toes so applying those same principles to sex. I'm like what the sensation that I'm feeling right now. In a part of my body.

We used to call that are sense. Senesa focus rightly just tuning in to the physical sensations. And if you're not as much a physical touch person you might tune into the sounds right so I really tune in to sound especially like if you're saying something to me because I love the sound of Your Voice.

Yup. Hey girl. Hey

No not that one but I do find that the I'm more. It's the sounds that I really enjoy.

Interesting.

And some people are more visual rightly. They just like to look and see what's happening at the time.

I think I'm a combination of both. Sometimes it's visual. And then on honestly throughout it will change it will become auditory. It's how you're with the noises that you're making.

We've never ever been able to make noise before because we never go alone in the house. It's been over a decade since we've been alone in the house so this is like something new. Actually we should talk about that. D- Are you making more noise?

Absolutely making more knows. I wonder how neighbours feel now.

No, we're not that loud no not at all but are you like do you find that it. It's unnatural because you had to stifle your sounds for so long.

Absolutely i. It's the other night we had sex and I made noise knowing that I could make noise. And it's not that I was grunting or groaning or anything. I was making a chimpanzee noises But it was more about having sex. I was able to make noise. I can move around without worrying about waking someone up or someone hearing are going to the bathroom and get some of these are my own hangups but that was very different.

So I think you know we're going to leave it there. I think hopefully even use some ideas to get into the mood for sex. When you're not from fantasy touching yourself touching your partner to sense eight. Focus to moving slowly with no pressure to doing what it takes to relax and then also being. You know forgiving yourself or forgiving. Not The word but flexible so if sometimes you get in the mood you do and if you don't that's okay too so I'd ever want to add to the pressure of while you're at home during a pandemic have the hottest sex of your life. No this isn't the time for new medals or achievements or performance. This is really...

You get gold stars.

Gold stars, exactly. No, just really be okay with what you're feeling and be open to it if it's something you want to do and if also really importantly if you don't want to have sex right now don't have sex not a big deal. This is for the you know the inside sir.

00:15:01 - 00:15:51
Our experience that we're sharing is for folks who aren't in the mood but WANNA get in the mood if you're not in the mood and you don't WanNa get in the mood. That's okay to just make sure you know if you if you have a partner you're maintaining a connection with them in other ways and if you are on your own that you're taking care of yourself in and otherwise it doesn't have to be sexually so that's our quickey as quickly as we can get it. I'm going to get it down to seven minutes soon. I swear.

All the podcast or the sex

Seven minutes geez three times.

I know really.

Three times the PODCAST. Thank you so much for listening. Thanks for chatting babe.

Thank you.

And yeah if you are interested in any of the online video courses including we have we have a free one at checkout HappierCouples.com.

You're listening to the sex with Dr Jess podcast. Improve your sex life improve your life.